False Alarm

5 weeks 2 days

I haven't been feeling that well today. I've been really lightheaded and dizzy, and just felt like crap. For most of the day I've been slightly nauseous. Not incredibly debilitatingly nauseous, but just enough to make me feel yucky all day. But then tonight after I ate dinner Justin and I were sitting watching TV and suddenly I was going to throw up.

You know when you feel generally queasy, but then suddenly that feeling comes over you when you know you're about to throw up? I got fuzzy and tingly and my heart started pounding and my stomach started clenching. I ran for the bathroom and sat in front of the toilet, but never actually threw up. After a few minutes the feeling just went away.

It was unpleasant, but at the same time it was reassuring. I haven't had any other episodes like that, so my hormones must still be on their way up from the little bambino. That makes the wait for the ultrasound a little easier.

Another thing that makes it easier is just knowing that even if we did have an ultrasound now, we most likely wouldn't see a heartbeat. So it wouldn't really make me feel any better. In fact it would probably worry me more than if I hadn't had an ultrasound.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll actually throw up. Lord, I hope not.

Our First Two Babies

This morning I was lying in bed reading a pregnancy book when I heard jingling from the baby's room. I got up to see what was going on and this is what I found:

Emmie was just chillin out in the bouncy chair.

A few minutes later I heard even more jingling, so I went to investigate again. That's when I found this:

Emmie and Lexie cuddling in there. Look closely, you can see how Emmie's arm is around Lexie.

Apparently they love this chair, and I have to lock them out of that room. Which is too bad because we love walking past it and seeing baby stuff in there.

Indigestion

4 weeks 5 days

Uggghhhh, I feel so yucky right now.

I am starving all the time, and I'm starting to get sensitive to motion. I feel a bit nauseous when I ride in the car. Especially on an empty stomach. So today I was driving home from my parents' house and I was starving and a bit nauseous. When I got home I ate the wraps that were left over from our dinner our last night. It was 3/4 of a wrap altogether. Not that much food. But now I am seriously suffering from indigestion.

I've been sitting here working on a huge assignment I have due in my class (it's due TODAY and I just starting it like 45 minutes ago) and I couldn't figure out why I was so painfully crampy and uncomfortable. I just don't identify things like heartburn and indigestion very quickly because I never ever get them. It took about an hour of pain for me to realize "Oh! This is indigestion! Because you're friggin pregnant, you moron!"

It makes it seem more worth it when you know it's because your pregnant. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

On another note, yesterday we bought the baby a bouncy vibrating chair and a fancy baby swing. Those purchases helped fufill some of my nesting urge. Today I also bought myself The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy, and I bought Justin So You're Gonna Be a Dad. There were a few Dad-to-be books at the bookstore, but I chose this one because it's hilarious and sarcastic. As soon as I handed it to Justin he sat down and started reading it. I've also started The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy and have burst out laughing a couple of times.

Also, today my mom wanted to feel my uterus (I'm her first daughter to get pregnant... she's excited, what can I say?). I think she wanted to make sure that the reason I have such a round belly right now isn't because I'm fat, but because my uterus truly has grown out of my pelvic area (or at least, that combined with major bloating). So she made me lay down and pressed around. Sure enough, I proved that I'm not a crazy fat lady.

Ugh, I think I need a break from sitting up. I know I'm supposed to be doing my project, but I'm so uncomfortable.

Nesting

I'm 4 weeks and 4 days and I already have an extremely strong desire to nest. We've been looking at baby items and I want to buy stuff already! I want to chose a colour and paint the nursery (which has been sitting empty since we moved into this house). I want to buy a bouncy seat and a swing and a playpen. I want to get a crib and a change table and a glider-rocker and get this baby's room ready. I am feeling extremely antsy to do all of this, probably because I'm on summer vacation and have nothing else to do with my time.

There's no way that I can wait to do this stuff until after we find out the gender at 20 weeks. I don't have that kind of patience. There's no way I can wait until I'm 7 months pregnant to get the nursery ready. I want stuff NOW. And even if we did know the gender, we'd still go gender neutral for the bedding, so we wouldn't have to buy a new set if we have the other sex next time.
So we're going to go with green and brown I think. I found a pile of amazing options in green and brown (or just mainly green) at Sears. The only problem is that I ended up loving all of them and can't decide on one - not that I have to.

But here's a question - do we paint the entire room green? Or do we do some sort of green/brown theme even with the walls? Like 2 walls chocolate brown and 2 walls green? And it probably matters what kind of crib we end up with. I'd really like an espresso finish crib, but since we've been looking at baby stuff I've realized how insanely expensive everything you need is (you ca easily spend over $5000!) and that there's no way other people are going to buy us everything. So we've been looking into getting some of the big stuff second-hand to save money.

However, Justin thinks that since he's Italian and is having the first great grandchild on both sides and has very generous grandmothers that someone is going to buy us a crib. I'm not counting on it, but if that happens, they'll probably wait awhile. And how will I design my baby's room if I don't know what colour crib we're going to have?

Ahh... it's so nice to have to worry about these things instead of medications and follicles and sperm counts.

Symptom update - (4 weeks 4 days) My main symptoms are fatigue, sore boobs (which come and go and are worse at night) and cramps (which have turned into mostly period-like cramps, rather than the kind I had before). I truly do feel as if my period is about to arrive, which I always read a lot of women feel during their whole pregnancy. Also, every night when I get up to go to the bathroom I end up with chest pains. I also have some light-headedness and a ton of bloating. I have to wear stretchy pants or the Tummy Sleeve every day. Oh, and I'm also peeing more often.

Disappearing Symptoms

Around 4am this morning I woke up with really bad AF-like cramps. It obviously freaked me out, because that's what I get at the beginning of my period - cramps so bad that they wake me up and I have to sit up and clutch my stomach.

I sat up and realized that my boobs hurt a lot less than they did when I went to bed, which scared me even more. I went to the bathroom and there was no spotting (relief). So I just sat in bed for a few minutes and the cramping eased up (which my AF cramps never do, I always have to scarf down the tylenol and ibuprofen to get them to go away).

It was extremely alarming to have that kind of strong cramping and then realize your boobs aren't very sore, when they were 5 hours earlier. They still aren't back to being really sore yet.

I read that symptoms can come and go (like my sore boobs), but I guess I just need some reassurance. Did this happen to any of you?

Second Beta!

My second beta today was 342!!

Beta #1 at 12DPO - 88.7

Beta #2 at 14DPO - 342

That's an amazing rise. I'm so excited.

Since there are no maternity stores where I live, I stopped by Motherhood Maternity on my way to the clinic. I bought two Tummy Sleeves - one in black and one in white. They're the exact same as a Bella Band, they just have a different name.

I wasn't sure how much I'd like them, but a few of my pants are way too tight already. I've been wearing stretchy pants for the past 2 days. And the day before that I was wearing a pair of pants that I ended up having to unbutton in the middle of the day (I wasn't at home to change). Instead of buying new clothes I figured this was a better idea.

I changed my pants when I got home so I could test the Tummy Sleeve out. I love it! I am so much more comfortable.

I love being pregnant.

Symptoms

Thanks so much for all your support, ladies!! It was so exciting to finally be congratulated for getting pregnant!

So I think I'm having some other PS besides the cramping. I am feeling dizzy when I'm up moving around. And I have been experiencing pregnancy brain today. Example: I was cooking bacon and decided I wanted to get the container where I put the bacon fat out of the fridge. so I walked the 6 steps over to the fridge, opened the door, and stood there staring inside the fridge with no clue as to why I was there. Now that happens occasionally. But then I went back to the bacon again and remembered that I went to the fridge for that container. So I went back to the fridge, opened the door, and once again had no idea what I was doing there. It happened TWICE in two minutes over the same thing!

I also have a low-grade fever. I usually run really cool, especially during the day (for some reason my temp is always warmer right when I get up in the morning). I took my temp this afternoon and it was 99.2.

I'm also starting to feel a teensy bit of nauseousness. It's not much, just a little bit of unsettledness in my stomach.

Oh, finally, when we were eating the bacon I was like "Holy cow, this is the saltiest bacon I've ever had!! I can't get over how salty this is!" And Justin looked at me and was like "Umm, no, it's not. It tastes exactly the same as it always does."

Now, I love salty bacon. But that was ridiculous. If bacon is going to taste this way to me during the whole pregnancy, I'm switching to the reduced salt kind (the kind that I usually add salt TO).

B-F-Freakin-P

I'M PREGNANT

I found out this morning. Yesterday I was having these strange cramps in my uterus, unlike anything I've had before (I still have them actually... they're like stomach cramps, but in the uterus. Nothing like menstrual cramps). And my temp was 99.0. I've also had quite a symptom-free 2WW, which I don't normally have. So I thought just maybe this cycle finally worked. But I didn't want to test because I was too afraid.

I woke up this morning looking for spotting. I am like clockwork when it comes to that. But there was nothing. So I eventually used an OPK so that I wouldn't be too disappointed if it was negative (there's wiggle room when it's an OPK!). It was very positive. I was freaking out and shaking, I was so excited.

So I decided to go against all my irrational fears and POAS. A real stick. I did, and almost immediately it was positive.

After jumping up and down and freaking out, Justin and I showered as fast as we could to drive the hour to the RE's before he closes at 10:30am. I got a beta done and got the results back this afternoon: 88.7. I'm only 12DPO, though, so I was expecting it to be right around there. I go back on Tuesday for another beta. My ultrasound will be in 3 or 4 weeks.

I am so excited. I never thought this would happen for us.

Things are Still Hot!

This morning I took my temperature, expecting to see that it had fallen by about .2 degrees. Usually at this time that starts happening. I don't know why I even took my temp, because I was obviously setting myself up for huge disappointment.

However, instead of going down it went up about .4 degrees. It's sitting at 99.0. And I was in a chilly bedroom.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean anything. But it did let me hold on to my hope for another day. I am dying to POAS, but there is no way I'm using one of those devil sticks! I won't even use an OPK to see if the line is dark. I don't want to be disappointed.

I was planning on not going to church tomorrow morning if I started spotting (because last time I kept crying during the service). But now I think we might just sleep in anyway. Because if I wake up for church and find out I'm spotting, we're not going to be able to fall back asleep and I'll be miserable earlier than I have to be.

I might just dehydrate myself so I can avoid the bathroom tomorrow.

Taken Aback

I just called my RE's office to find out what my medications will be for my next cycle. There is no change, which I think it ridiculous, seeing as I didn't respond very well this past cycle. But what the RE did suggest is that I try IVF.

I was really taken aback by this. Because at my clinic people do IUI for forever. My RE isn't one of those RE's who rushes people into IVF. At any given time it's what 80% of the patients are doing. I have a friend whose husband has almost no sperm. Literally. Their first IUI they got 50,000 sperm. Their 2nd IUI they got like 300,000. And the RE didn't come right out and suggest to THEM that they do IVF right away (which they totally should, IUI is a complete waste of time for people with sperm like that. In fact, IVF might not even work for him because I'm betting there are chromosomal issues).

I am really disappointed. I mean, I'm not doing IVF right away. We're going to do at least 2 or 3 more IUIs with the combination of sperm. But now I'm really afraid that that will never work for us. If my "Try-IUI-Forever" RE is asking us if we want to do IVF, he must have a good reason.

I was really hoping that doing combination IUIs would be our answer. Now I just want to curl up and cry. We can't afford IVF. We don't just have that money lying around. We'd have to go into debt for it.

And now I'm wondering if we should have even bothered with this new path.

Catch-22

I basically have a week left before I find out if I'm pregnant or not. If I'm not, I'll start spotting next Sunday morning. And then I'll skip church, because 3 weeks ago when I woke up to spotting on Sunday I cried all through the church service. I won't be putting myself through that again.

So I have one more week of hope. Justin says he'll be shocked if this cycle doesn't work. I say I'll be shocked if it does.

At this point I don't have a feeling one way or another. I had some short lived uterine twinges today. Which probably mean absolutely nothing. And my boobs are starting to become a bit sore today, but that is exactly on schedule for me. They usually start to hurt at 5DPO, which is tomorrow morning at 10am.

I'm finding myself very impatient during this 2WW. I'm actually wondering if I might POAS this month just because I'm so impatient - and I NEVER POAS. I hate those devil sticks. Normally the first week isn't that difficult for me, because it's not like you can test and find out anyway during that week. But this month it is. Maybe it's because I'm not working right now. I'm at home all day, often alone because Justin is gone training so much. I'm trying to focus on other things, like my AQ course, suntanning on my back deck, working out, watching seasons of shows we've never seen before (for anyone who doesn't watch Friday Night Lights, I highly recommend it) and enjoying pretty much unlimited time for reading for pleasure. But I still feel like time is crawling by.

It's a catch-22, though. I want the next 8 or 9 days to speed by so that I can know if I'm pregnant or not and we can move on. But I also don't want time to pass because the faster time passes the faster my summer is over and the sooner I have to go back to work.

Isn't life always like that?

IUI #4

I had my 4th IUI today, the first one using a combination sample. We got 43 million sperm altogether, which I'm thrilled about! 18 million were from frozen (which is a really good recovery after the freezing and thawing... the sample started with about 180 million) and 25 million were fresh. Justin was thrilled.  So was I.

I had a conversation with the nurse doing the IUI about how my stupid follicles keep shrinking or disappearing. We agreed that I should stay on injections until I trigger. I didn't do that this cycle because last cycle I stopped after CD12 and had a pretty decent cycle. The cycle before that I went all the way to CD15 and had a totally crappy cycle. My body is so inconsistent.

We also think that I should just trigger on CD13, as long as I have some mature follicles. The 2 times that I went past CD13 I ended up losing follicles, so she doesn't think it's a good idea to try and wait and see.

Anyway, if this cycle doesn't work I don't know exactly what we'll be doing next cycle. I'd kind of like a medication change, but something tells me I'll still be on the same doses of everything. Part of me wants to go to 150mg of Clomid, but it's not good for the quality of your lining and my lining seems to be not such great quality even though it's very thick. I get a lot of clots during my period, which I shouldn't have.

I'm kind of wondering if I should push for Femara+Injectables rather than Femara+Clomid+Injectables. Right now I'm just taking the Femara on CD3. Maybe it would be better if I took it the whole cycle at a high dose, rather than taking the Clomid.

Another part of me is scared to change medications that drastically. What if I get no follicles?

Anyway, cross your fingers for me that I won't have to worry about it anymore this month because I'm pregnant. Then I can wait a year or so before thinking about it again!

Anticipation

Tomorrow morning is our IUI. This is our 6th cycle of treatment, our 4th IUI, and our 1st combination IUI. It seems to me that we should be getting pregnant, for pete's sake. I don't know if I think it'll happen this month. I mean, my body reacted pretty crummily to the drugs. And with follicles shrinking and whatnot, who knows what might have happened to my follicles that were mature on Sunday. Maybe they've disappeared too. I could ask for another ultrasound to check tomorrow morning, but I don't know if I want to do that. What if more bad things have happened in my ovaries? It'll ruin the whole day. Not to mention any hope I might have during the 2WW.

I'm really curious what kind of recovery we're going to get from the frozen sample. It might not be much. Hopefully the fresh sperm will make up the difference!

Speaking of Justin... he was saying the other day that he feels like it's going to happen soon. As in, before fall soon. He's never "felt" like it was going to happen before. He's only ever "hoped" that it would happen.

I don't know whether I should put any stock in his "feelings." As a general rule he's a lot more optimistic than I am. But we do have 3 IUIs to do before fall arrives, so who knows. Maybe that's enough time.

I hope it's enough time.

I Spoke Too Soon

Today I asked for another ultrasound when I was getting my blood taken.

Bad results.

On my left side I only have a 23mm, 20mm, 14mm, and 12mm. That's only 1mm of growth and 2mm of shrinkage.

On my right side I only have a 12mm, 10mm, and 10mm.

So I have 7 follicles, but only 2 of them are mature. They're having me trigger tonight if I didn't surge, because they're afraid that my mature follicles will start shrinking too.

I don't know if I should've kept doing the injections or not. I stopped at CD12. Maybe more would've helped. But then again, two cycles ago I did injections until CD15 and I still had shrinking and disappearing follicles.

This is so lame. How am I supposed to get pregnant this cycle? I didn't get pregnant last cycle when I had 3, probably 4 mature follicles. How am I supposed to get pregnant when I only have 2?

I want to quit. I'm so sick of this stupid game.

Happy Anniversary

Today is our wedding anniversary! The 4th of July:) I bought some lingerie as a surprise for my husband. Hopefully he doesn't read this before he sees it.

CD13 Ultrasound

My fears were put somewhat at ease today.

Not at first. At first I thought this cycle was going to be a bust. She was doing my right ovary, where I had a 13mm on Day 11. She could only measure a 12mm. (I swear I saw another follicle, over and over again, right under that 12mm. But she never measured it.) So it shrunk. I was like "Awesome. Shrinking follicles. Can't wait to see the other side."

Two days ago on my left side I had a 12, 13, and 16. Today I had a 12, 16, 19, and 23. So I have 3 mature follicles right now. I want to see how things go. Ideally, I'd like to hold out as long as possible. But in the past if I didn't trigger, I surged on CD15. I would prefer to trigger rather than surge, because then you know exactly when you're going to ovulate and it's easier to time the IUI.

As a sidenote: I find it strange that there's only one smallish follicle on my right side. I have been feeling my right ovary like crazy this month. And it's swollen; I can feel it when I press down. I wonder if I do have two follicles on that side and this ultrasound tech is just a tool.

CD 11 Ultrasound

I'm kind of disappointed with my ultrasound today. I'm CD11 and I have four follies at 12, 13, 13, and 16. I know, four follies is good. But last month on CD 12 (I skipped CD11) I had five follies at 13, 13, 14, 19, and 23. That seems like a big difference to me, especially considering I was on the same meds.

Last month: 13, 13, 14, 19, 23
This month: 12, 13, 13, 16

WTF? If anything I was expecting more follies, not less, because I'd been on DHEA for a whole month longer than last month. The only thing I can think of is that I wasn't being very strict about eating in The Zone this month. And since that really affects your insulin, and your insulin affects every single cell in your body... maybe that had something to do with it.

The nurse did say though that slow grown eggs are better than fast grown eggs. Hopefully by CD13 another follie or two will have popped up over 10mm, and the ones I have now will have grown nicely.

One of the reasons I'm concerned is that a couple of cycles ago I started out with 3 follies at 13, 14, and 17. It seemed promising, but they didn't really grow much. I ended up with a 23 and a 16. One disappeared, another shot up 10mm, and another one shrunk. I don't want this month to be a repeat of that month.