I can't remember the last time I was this ridicuously emotional with my period. Granted, I'm going through extenuating circumstances right now (IF, looming unemployment) but this is getting out of hand.
Yesterday I errupted in tears after bursting out at Justin that I am so unhappy and why can't something just go right? I had just gotten off the phone with my mom and I was so mad about our conversation. Justin kept asking why, but I really didn't have a good reason. It was something about being pissed off at people who think they know what they're talking about and actually have no idea... my thoughts were incoherent.
Then today when I tried to leave work, my car wasn't there. My dad had picked it up to get it smog tested (without telling me), which is supposed to be a favour. But I was FURIOUS that it was my birthday, I was done work, and my car wasn't there. I had errands to run (I had to cash my paycheque and get gas) before driving the 25 minutes out to my house. My dad didn't show up for half an hour. By that time I was stuck in way heavier traffic on my way home. I was LIVID. I sobbed furiously as I was driving around to do my errands, cursing every person who turned in front of me or was driving too slow. I swear I had to restrain myself from driving my car right into someone else's purely out of rage.
I cancelled my parents coming over tonight. I am not good company. In fact, I am completely insane.
It's gotta be the Marvelon.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Birthday Arrival
In honour of my birthday today my period arrived right after I got to work. Thank goodness.
I feel like crap. I'm extremely crampy and tired, and my boobs hurt. But I'm so glad my period is here that I'm not even mad that I feel so yucky on my birthday.
This IUI cycle I am doing the following:
7.5 mg of Femara on CD 3
50 mg of Clomid on CD 3-7
75 IU of Bravelle (injectables) on CD 6, 8, and 10.
I'm redoing my Day 3 bloodwork this month, and my RE added a fasting insulin test. I'll actually get it done on Day 3 this time, which is on Wendesday.
My first cycle monitoring bloodwork and ultrasound will be on Thursday, April 9 (CD11). I'm hoping that my high LH won't interfere with my medications. I had positive OPKs again on Saturday and Sunday, despite the fact that the Marvelon was supposed to zero out my hormones. I'm really praying that I'll develop several mature follicles. The goal of my treatment protocol is to produce 3-5 mature eggs, so I'm really really hoping for at least 3. Actually, to be honest, I'm hoping for at least ONE so that this cycle won't be a complete waste. 3-5 would be AMAZING, but if I don't even have one then I'll be really disappointed.
Now it's time to distract myself from the waiting game. Any suggestions?
I feel like crap. I'm extremely crampy and tired, and my boobs hurt. But I'm so glad my period is here that I'm not even mad that I feel so yucky on my birthday.
This IUI cycle I am doing the following:
7.5 mg of Femara on CD 3
50 mg of Clomid on CD 3-7
75 IU of Bravelle (injectables) on CD 6, 8, and 10.
I'm redoing my Day 3 bloodwork this month, and my RE added a fasting insulin test. I'll actually get it done on Day 3 this time, which is on Wendesday.
My first cycle monitoring bloodwork and ultrasound will be on Thursday, April 9 (CD11). I'm hoping that my high LH won't interfere with my medications. I had positive OPKs again on Saturday and Sunday, despite the fact that the Marvelon was supposed to zero out my hormones. I'm really praying that I'll develop several mature follicles. The goal of my treatment protocol is to produce 3-5 mature eggs, so I'm really really hoping for at least 3. Actually, to be honest, I'm hoping for at least ONE so that this cycle won't be a complete waste. 3-5 would be AMAZING, but if I don't even have one then I'll be really disappointed.
Now it's time to distract myself from the waiting game. Any suggestions?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Goodbye Marvelon!
Today is my last day of Marvelon. I woke up at 2:30am to go to the bathroom and I took it then, 4 hours early. (Oops, I wasn't planning on telling you that, Justin:) I just wanted to have that 4 hour jump start to having the BCPs out of my system.
My husband was very against me fooling around with the timing of it. I tried to explain to him that the timing only really matters if you trying to NOT get pregnant. Obviously that is not our intention here, so being off by several hours isn't a big deal.
So my next step is getting my period and redoing my Day 3 bloodwork. My RE just wants to see what it'll look like after the Marvelon, since Marvelon is supposed to really zero out my hormones.
Speaking of which, I finally got a negative OPK last night!!!!
I know it sounds ridiculous to be excited about a negative OPK, but I just ALWAYS have positive ones because of my massive LH levels. I'm glad my LH is back down to a normal level. The test line was sooo faint. I was so pumped.
My husband was very against me fooling around with the timing of it. I tried to explain to him that the timing only really matters if you trying to NOT get pregnant. Obviously that is not our intention here, so being off by several hours isn't a big deal.
So my next step is getting my period and redoing my Day 3 bloodwork. My RE just wants to see what it'll look like after the Marvelon, since Marvelon is supposed to really zero out my hormones.
Speaking of which, I finally got a negative OPK last night!!!!
I know it sounds ridiculous to be excited about a negative OPK, but I just ALWAYS have positive ones because of my massive LH levels. I'm glad my LH is back down to a normal level. The test line was sooo faint. I was so pumped.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
L-Carnitine or Crack...
I went to buy Justin's L-Carnitine because he ran out of it at the end of last week. I found out that it is incredibly illegal here in Canada, so my health and nutrition store isn't getting any more in stock. And the girl told me that if I went to the states to buy it and brought it over the border I would go to jail for longer than if I had been smuggling crack.
WTF!
I bought up their last two bottles, but each of those only has a one month supply!
Here's hoping I get knocked up by then.
WTF!
I bought up their last two bottles, but each of those only has a one month supply!
Here's hoping I get knocked up by then.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Lame Limbo?
I'm on day 4 of 10 days of Marvelon (birth control pills, also known as BCP). My feelings keep waffling back and forth between feeling like we're doing something and feeling like we're doing nothing.
On one hand, I'm frustrated that I'm just waiting for my next cycle. I want to be on the fertility drugs now, because then I feel like I'm actually doing something that's working towards getting pregnant. Being on BCP seems so ridiculous sometimes - my body is doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING right now!!
I don't like putting hormones into my body to get it to do something that it already does naturally. My RE said that I was only ovulating in a third of my cycles, tops. But I still always got a period! So why shouldn't I just wait for my period to come naturally instead of taking BCPs in order to get it to come?
(Side note: this would be the time that my period suddenly decided to take 60 days to get here, and then I'd be kicking myself that I didn't listen to my RE.)
On the other hand, I keep telling myself that we're not just doing nothing. I looked into the whole concept of going on Marvelon (not just Provera or any BCP) or waiting for my period to just come naturally.
I learned that Marvelon is what my clinic gives to IVF patients before they go on GnRH agonists and antagonists. There's evidence that ovulation and the normal luteal phase of a cycle does something to prepare the body to select just one egg for ovulation in the next cycle. So if the objective is to stimulate the production of many eggs, it may be beneficial to not allow this pre-selection to occur.
So as opposed to Provera, which is just to bring on bleeding, Marvelon is used to zero out your hormones more thoroughly, so you're totally starting from scratch in your new cycle.
After learning this I keep telling myself that I am already starting the fertility treatments now. I'm not just trying to bring on a period; I'm trying to supress my body's natural tendency to select just one egg to mature in order to allow my vast array of fertility drugs can do their job. Our goal is 3-5 mature follicles. If the Marvelon helps us get those (even though it seems incredibly ironic that birth control pills could help your fertility treatments), then I'm happy to be on the Marvelon.
I'm going to keep telling myself that.
On one hand, I'm frustrated that I'm just waiting for my next cycle. I want to be on the fertility drugs now, because then I feel like I'm actually doing something that's working towards getting pregnant. Being on BCP seems so ridiculous sometimes - my body is doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING right now!!
I don't like putting hormones into my body to get it to do something that it already does naturally. My RE said that I was only ovulating in a third of my cycles, tops. But I still always got a period! So why shouldn't I just wait for my period to come naturally instead of taking BCPs in order to get it to come?
(Side note: this would be the time that my period suddenly decided to take 60 days to get here, and then I'd be kicking myself that I didn't listen to my RE.)
On the other hand, I keep telling myself that we're not just doing nothing. I looked into the whole concept of going on Marvelon (not just Provera or any BCP) or waiting for my period to just come naturally.
I learned that Marvelon is what my clinic gives to IVF patients before they go on GnRH agonists and antagonists. There's evidence that ovulation and the normal luteal phase of a cycle does something to prepare the body to select just one egg for ovulation in the next cycle. So if the objective is to stimulate the production of many eggs, it may be beneficial to not allow this pre-selection to occur.
So as opposed to Provera, which is just to bring on bleeding, Marvelon is used to zero out your hormones more thoroughly, so you're totally starting from scratch in your new cycle.
After learning this I keep telling myself that I am already starting the fertility treatments now. I'm not just trying to bring on a period; I'm trying to supress my body's natural tendency to select just one egg to mature in order to allow my vast array of fertility drugs can do their job. Our goal is 3-5 mature follicles. If the Marvelon helps us get those (even though it seems incredibly ironic that birth control pills could help your fertility treatments), then I'm happy to be on the Marvelon.
I'm going to keep telling myself that.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
RE Appointment
Here's a bloodwork and ultrasound update first:
My E2 dropped between March 11 and 14, and my LH jumped back up to 17.1 from 14.2 (it was 17.0 on March 8 as well... stupid LH). I have one follicle at 10mm, but I'm on CD20 and my bloodwork shows that it's not going to go anywhere. My lining was 8.5 on March 8, 8.5 on March 11, dropped down to 6 on March 14 (I had been lightly spotting) and was all the way up to 10 today! Although I'm spotting a bit again now. It's weird, I never spot mid cycle.
Regardless, even though I have no eggs to implant, I'm happy to know my lining is at 10. That's a great lining. I need to be happy about the little victories, right?
Anyway, my RE appointment this morning! It was EXCELLENT!! It was with the RE that owns the practice (which is nice, because he doesn't feel like there's anyone looking over his shoulder and he can just do what he wants). I do not have premature ovarian failure. Thank goodness!!
He wasn't too concerned with coming up with an exact diagnosis. We know what it's not: it's not ovarian failure and it's not pituitary failure. He doesn't really like the PCOS category because it is incredibly broad. So I have unexplained ovarian dysfunction or something like that. He thinks I was probably only ovulating in maybe 1/3 of my cycles. He admits he's confused by the high LH though, because my LH wasn't that high on Day 3.
Anyway, he came up with a plan of action. I asked him to be as aggressive as possible at this stage. Here it is:
I'm on Marvelon for 10 days (a BCP that studies have shown helps your hormone levels to bottom out better than Provera, so that when my period starts I really will be starting from scratch). I'll get my period soon afterwards... or I should. Here's hoping.
On CD 3 I'll do bloodwork again and then take 7.5 mg of Femara, because it helps to sensitize your body to Clomid.
Then I'll take 50mg of Clomid from CD 3-7.
Then I'll do injectables on CD 6, 8, and 10 (75 IU of Bravelle).
This is considered a medium stimulation protocol. And it's what I wanted, because I just have this feeling that I need injectables.
So that's it. Marvelon, then Femara, Clomid, and Injectables.
I'm beyond pumped to get AF and start my next cycle. And I am beyond thankful that my new RE listened to me and did what I wanted. My last RE did the exact opposite of what I wanted and what I told her I thought I needed.
Look who's laughing now, Dr. Muise.
My E2 dropped between March 11 and 14, and my LH jumped back up to 17.1 from 14.2 (it was 17.0 on March 8 as well... stupid LH). I have one follicle at 10mm, but I'm on CD20 and my bloodwork shows that it's not going to go anywhere. My lining was 8.5 on March 8, 8.5 on March 11, dropped down to 6 on March 14 (I had been lightly spotting) and was all the way up to 10 today! Although I'm spotting a bit again now. It's weird, I never spot mid cycle.
Regardless, even though I have no eggs to implant, I'm happy to know my lining is at 10. That's a great lining. I need to be happy about the little victories, right?
Anyway, my RE appointment this morning! It was EXCELLENT!! It was with the RE that owns the practice (which is nice, because he doesn't feel like there's anyone looking over his shoulder and he can just do what he wants). I do not have premature ovarian failure. Thank goodness!!
He wasn't too concerned with coming up with an exact diagnosis. We know what it's not: it's not ovarian failure and it's not pituitary failure. He doesn't really like the PCOS category because it is incredibly broad. So I have unexplained ovarian dysfunction or something like that. He thinks I was probably only ovulating in maybe 1/3 of my cycles. He admits he's confused by the high LH though, because my LH wasn't that high on Day 3.
Anyway, he came up with a plan of action. I asked him to be as aggressive as possible at this stage. Here it is:
I'm on Marvelon for 10 days (a BCP that studies have shown helps your hormone levels to bottom out better than Provera, so that when my period starts I really will be starting from scratch). I'll get my period soon afterwards... or I should. Here's hoping.
On CD 3 I'll do bloodwork again and then take 7.5 mg of Femara, because it helps to sensitize your body to Clomid.
Then I'll take 50mg of Clomid from CD 3-7.
Then I'll do injectables on CD 6, 8, and 10 (75 IU of Bravelle).
This is considered a medium stimulation protocol. And it's what I wanted, because I just have this feeling that I need injectables.
So that's it. Marvelon, then Femara, Clomid, and Injectables.
I'm beyond pumped to get AF and start my next cycle. And I am beyond thankful that my new RE listened to me and did what I wanted. My last RE did the exact opposite of what I wanted and what I told her I thought I needed.
Look who's laughing now, Dr. Muise.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Day 3 Bloodwork Update
(Warning, this post may contain medical talk, jargon, and acronyms that are not easily decodable by one who does not suffer from infertility.)
I called my clinic this morning to find out my Day 3 results. They don't seem terrible.
Estradiol - <73
(should be between 25-75. Lower levels are better for stimulating, and higher levels could indicate either a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve. If I'm around 73 that seems a little high to me)
Prolactin - 8.1
(should be <24)
LH - 7
(should be <7, but I'm surprised that it was only 7, considering my enormous levels during the rest of my cycle)
And finally,
FSH - 7
(FSH is used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate)
I fall into the "good" range for FSH!! But my estrogen is kind of high for Day 3, so it could still mean I have diminished ovarian reserve. Either that or I did have that cyst I was thinking I got from the Clomid last cycle.
We know I have a problem, but nothing in my bloodwork jumps right out at me to tell me what my problem is. If I was ovulating, my bloodwork would probably appear completely normal. However, when I pair my Day 3 results with what we've been seeing during my monitored spontaneous cycle I still wonder if I have PCOS.
I know I have semi-regular cycles (28-38 days), and often people with PCOS have cycles as long as 120 days. BUT my ultrasounds are showing that I'm not developing any mature follicles (their growth appears to have stunted at "small"). So obviously I'm not ovulating.
My next clue comes from my clinic itself. They have an information sheet on Decreased Ovulation and the possible causes (pituitary failure, ovarian failure, and PCOS). It all starts with knowing that you're not ovulating. If you are ovulating, then obviously the following information doesn't apply to you.
If your FSH and LH are <2, then pituitary failure is present.
If your FSH and LH are >10, then ovarian failure is present.
If your FSH and LH are in the intermediate range, >2 and <10, then PCOS is likely present.
Notice they say likely... PCOS is a bitch to diagnose.
Regardless of my extensive detective work and my immense base of infertility knowledge (lol) I am still not a Reproductive Endocrinologist. So obviously I need my appointment with my RE tomorrow to tell me what the heck is going on.
But at least I can spend my day not feeling like I'm going to throw up. I'm telling myself that it's just PCOS.
*sigh of relief*
I called my clinic this morning to find out my Day 3 results. They don't seem terrible.
Estradiol - <73
(should be between 25-75. Lower levels are better for stimulating, and higher levels could indicate either a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve. If I'm around 73 that seems a little high to me)
Prolactin - 8.1
(should be <24)
LH - 7
(should be <7, but I'm surprised that it was only 7, considering my enormous levels during the rest of my cycle)
And finally,
FSH - 7
(FSH is used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate)
I fall into the "good" range for FSH!! But my estrogen is kind of high for Day 3, so it could still mean I have diminished ovarian reserve. Either that or I did have that cyst I was thinking I got from the Clomid last cycle.
We know I have a problem, but nothing in my bloodwork jumps right out at me to tell me what my problem is. If I was ovulating, my bloodwork would probably appear completely normal. However, when I pair my Day 3 results with what we've been seeing during my monitored spontaneous cycle I still wonder if I have PCOS.
I know I have semi-regular cycles (28-38 days), and often people with PCOS have cycles as long as 120 days. BUT my ultrasounds are showing that I'm not developing any mature follicles (their growth appears to have stunted at "small"). So obviously I'm not ovulating.
My next clue comes from my clinic itself. They have an information sheet on Decreased Ovulation and the possible causes (pituitary failure, ovarian failure, and PCOS). It all starts with knowing that you're not ovulating. If you are ovulating, then obviously the following information doesn't apply to you.
If your FSH and LH are <2, then pituitary failure is present.
If your FSH and LH are >10, then ovarian failure is present.
If your FSH and LH are in the intermediate range, >2 and <10, then PCOS is likely present.
Notice they say likely... PCOS is a bitch to diagnose.
Regardless of my extensive detective work and my immense base of infertility knowledge (lol) I am still not a Reproductive Endocrinologist. So obviously I need my appointment with my RE tomorrow to tell me what the heck is going on.
But at least I can spend my day not feeling like I'm going to throw up. I'm telling myself that it's just PCOS.
*sigh of relief*
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Uh Oh.
Well, somehow my clinic got my bloodwork from the hospital yesterday and while I was out today they called and left a message. They didn't tell me the results of the bloodwork, but they told me that Dr. Martin (the RE who owns the practice) wants to see me on Tuesday.
Now, just to put this in perspective, I had originally seen a different doctor who I didn't like. And yesterday, after I found out about my possibly horrible situation, I asked if I could please see Dr. Martin sometime this week. Or for that matter, could I please see ANY of the doctors this week. The receptionist looked in the computer and said she had no appointments with any of the doctors for this week, but if I wanted to see Dr. Martin I can see him on May 13. Two months from now.
Then they saw my bloodwork, and suddenly I can see him in 2 days.
To me, that sounds like something a whole lot worse than PCOS. It sounds like they saw my bloodwork and went "Holy crap! High FSH! She's running out of time! She better get in to see Dr. Martin right away!"
I should probably also mention that the person on the phone sounded like she felt really sorry for me.
I'm scared to death. Hopefully I can find out my levels tomorrow, so I'm not feeling bowled over on Tuesday at my appointment.
Is this seriously happening??
Now, just to put this in perspective, I had originally seen a different doctor who I didn't like. And yesterday, after I found out about my possibly horrible situation, I asked if I could please see Dr. Martin sometime this week. Or for that matter, could I please see ANY of the doctors this week. The receptionist looked in the computer and said she had no appointments with any of the doctors for this week, but if I wanted to see Dr. Martin I can see him on May 13. Two months from now.
Then they saw my bloodwork, and suddenly I can see him in 2 days.
To me, that sounds like something a whole lot worse than PCOS. It sounds like they saw my bloodwork and went "Holy crap! High FSH! She's running out of time! She better get in to see Dr. Martin right away!"
I should probably also mention that the person on the phone sounded like she felt really sorry for me.
I'm scared to death. Hopefully I can find out my levels tomorrow, so I'm not feeling bowled over on Tuesday at my appointment.
Is this seriously happening??
Saturday, March 14, 2009
And It Keeps Getting Better... Not
I just got back from my ultrasound. I'm on CD 17. Once again, I have absolutely no follicle growth. And my lining dropped from 8.5 to 6 (I'm been really lightly spotting for the past few days... bizarrely, because I never spot mid cycle).
But wait, it gets better.
I looked at my monitoring sheet. My E2 should be in the 500's at this point in my cycle, but it's not. It's in the 100's still. Which didn't surprise me, because my follicles aren't growing.
But it gets even better.
My LH, which should be below 7, was at 17.0 on CD11 and 14.2 on CD14. (This explains why I always have almost positive OPK's).
So I say to the nurse who's taking my blood "Um, that's not normal. My LH shouldn't be that high. Especially when my estradiol is so low." And she said "You're right, that's not normal." So she goes looking for my Day 3 bloodwork, which, TA DA, isn't in my chart. Apparently the hospital didn't send it to them.
I asked the nurse what could be going on and she said "What we will probably see from your Day 3 bloodwork is an elevated FSH."
WHAT?!
I am 24 years old! How could I possibly have high FSH? How could I possibly have a decreased ovarian reserve? Or poor egg quality???
I am terrified. I'm calling my OBGYN on Monday to find out my Day 3 levels and to get them to send them to my clinic. What I'm hoping is that I'll have normal FSH with high LH, which could mean that I just have PCOS. (Keep in mind, this potential diagnosis was done solely through the help of the internet. The nurse did not mention PCOS as one of the diagnosis options. So I don't know how likely it will be.)
I really really hope all it is is PCOS. Because if I have high FSH, that's it. We can't afford IVF, much less IVF with donor eggs!
The nurse said that next month we'll probably do a clomiphene challenge test. It's a test that gives an indication of your ovarian reserve... a test that is normally only done on women in their 40's!!! I can't believe this.
(Oh, and I love how nobody told me that they didn't have my Day 3 bloodwork, and that my hormone levels are COMPLETELY out of whack. I had to look at my own flippin chart and make her tell me something. Don't you think maybe this is worth a frickin PHONE CALL?!?!?!)
But wait, it gets better.
I looked at my monitoring sheet. My E2 should be in the 500's at this point in my cycle, but it's not. It's in the 100's still. Which didn't surprise me, because my follicles aren't growing.
But it gets even better.
My LH, which should be below 7, was at 17.0 on CD11 and 14.2 on CD14. (This explains why I always have almost positive OPK's).
So I say to the nurse who's taking my blood "Um, that's not normal. My LH shouldn't be that high. Especially when my estradiol is so low." And she said "You're right, that's not normal." So she goes looking for my Day 3 bloodwork, which, TA DA, isn't in my chart. Apparently the hospital didn't send it to them.
I asked the nurse what could be going on and she said "What we will probably see from your Day 3 bloodwork is an elevated FSH."
WHAT?!
I am 24 years old! How could I possibly have high FSH? How could I possibly have a decreased ovarian reserve? Or poor egg quality???
I am terrified. I'm calling my OBGYN on Monday to find out my Day 3 levels and to get them to send them to my clinic. What I'm hoping is that I'll have normal FSH with high LH, which could mean that I just have PCOS. (Keep in mind, this potential diagnosis was done solely through the help of the internet. The nurse did not mention PCOS as one of the diagnosis options. So I don't know how likely it will be.)
I really really hope all it is is PCOS. Because if I have high FSH, that's it. We can't afford IVF, much less IVF with donor eggs!
The nurse said that next month we'll probably do a clomiphene challenge test. It's a test that gives an indication of your ovarian reserve... a test that is normally only done on women in their 40's!!! I can't believe this.
(Oh, and I love how nobody told me that they didn't have my Day 3 bloodwork, and that my hormone levels are COMPLETELY out of whack. I had to look at my own flippin chart and make her tell me something. Don't you think maybe this is worth a frickin PHONE CALL?!?!?!)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Waste of Time
This morning I woke up at 4:30am, got ready, and drove an hour away to my clinic. All to find out that I still have no follicle growth.
The "ultrasounder" (I still don't know if she's a tech or a nurse or what) seemed puzzled. She asked me in a confused voice "You said you have regular periods?" And replied that yes, my cycles are 28-36 days long - if you consider that regular.
She told me "I don't want to give up yet. I've seen ovulation as late as Day 26. So come back on Saturday."
What do you want to bet there still won't be any follicle growth on Saturday?
I'm convinced I'm some freak of nature that gets an LH surge, PMS, and a period every month, but I don't actually produce an egg.
I'm so pissed off.
The "ultrasounder" (I still don't know if she's a tech or a nurse or what) seemed puzzled. She asked me in a confused voice "You said you have regular periods?" And replied that yes, my cycles are 28-36 days long - if you consider that regular.
She told me "I don't want to give up yet. I've seen ovulation as late as Day 26. So come back on Saturday."
What do you want to bet there still won't be any follicle growth on Saturday?
I'm convinced I'm some freak of nature that gets an LH surge, PMS, and a period every month, but I don't actually produce an egg.
I'm so pissed off.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Tomorrow's Ultrasound
I'm very nervous about my ultrasound tomorrow morning. I already blogged about my disappointment from my CD11 ultrasound on Sunday. I had no follicle growth whatsoever. So the person doing my ultrasound (I don't know if she was a tech or a nurse or what) told me to take Monday and Tuesday off of monitoring and come back on Wednesday.
This sucks, because I live an hour from the office and I start work at 8:45am. But I've dealt with this crappy part by finally having the guts to tell my principal that I have some tests I have to get done and that I will probably be about half an hour late. I offered a solution: the EA can come into my room in the morning to take attendance and supervise my kids while they do independent reading or something. Surprisingly, he agreed to this.
My principal isn't the most understanding person, so I have been hiding all of my appointments from him. I took my one personal day in order to go to my first RE appointment. Then I never told him about my HSG, even though I was risking being a bit late for school. Instead I just worked it out with the teacher across the hall from me that if I wasn't there yet she could take my kids for 5-10 minutes (this ended up being a non-issue because I got to work 20 minutes early). I also decided (along with a nurse at my clinic) to cancel my second RE appointment that was probably unnecessary, just because I didn't want to tell my principal that I had a doctor's appointment. I just have not wanted him to be aware of the doctor-related stuff I've bee doing because he'd probably start to get frustrated, even if it didn't end up conflicting with work. But this one I just could not avoid telling him about. It is very unlikely that I'll make it back in time to start the day at 8:45.
So I'm not nervous about the being late part anymore. In fact, I'm totally fine with being late, now. I've gone through the trouble of telling my principal that I might be late, so I might as well milk it and actually be late.
But I'm nervous about my follicle growth. What if, once again, she digs around silently for while before telling me she can't find anything? Then I have to go to the Jeep and cry myself all the way to work. Alone. On Sunday I had Justin to lean on. Tomorrow I'll be alone.
I really hope there will be just a little bit of growth. I mean, it'll be CD14 for Pete's sake! But I won't be surprised if there's not. Things tend to go like that for me.
This sucks, because I live an hour from the office and I start work at 8:45am. But I've dealt with this crappy part by finally having the guts to tell my principal that I have some tests I have to get done and that I will probably be about half an hour late. I offered a solution: the EA can come into my room in the morning to take attendance and supervise my kids while they do independent reading or something. Surprisingly, he agreed to this.
My principal isn't the most understanding person, so I have been hiding all of my appointments from him. I took my one personal day in order to go to my first RE appointment. Then I never told him about my HSG, even though I was risking being a bit late for school. Instead I just worked it out with the teacher across the hall from me that if I wasn't there yet she could take my kids for 5-10 minutes (this ended up being a non-issue because I got to work 20 minutes early). I also decided (along with a nurse at my clinic) to cancel my second RE appointment that was probably unnecessary, just because I didn't want to tell my principal that I had a doctor's appointment. I just have not wanted him to be aware of the doctor-related stuff I've bee doing because he'd probably start to get frustrated, even if it didn't end up conflicting with work. But this one I just could not avoid telling him about. It is very unlikely that I'll make it back in time to start the day at 8:45.
So I'm not nervous about the being late part anymore. In fact, I'm totally fine with being late, now. I've gone through the trouble of telling my principal that I might be late, so I might as well milk it and actually be late.
But I'm nervous about my follicle growth. What if, once again, she digs around silently for while before telling me she can't find anything? Then I have to go to the Jeep and cry myself all the way to work. Alone. On Sunday I had Justin to lean on. Tomorrow I'll be alone.
I really hope there will be just a little bit of growth. I mean, it'll be CD14 for Pete's sake! But I won't be surprised if there's not. Things tend to go like that for me.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
First Bloodwork/Ultrasound
Today, once again, I realized that my intuition is always right.
I had my first day of bloodwork and ultrasound today. Leading up to this I was trying to be positive. I was focusing on what I was hoping would happen, rather than what I thought would happen.
I knew for sure that my follicle wouldn't be the size it was supposed to be today (It should have been 11mm). However, I was hoping that it would at least be a recognizable size, so that they would be able to tell that I did, in fact, have one follicle that was maturing.
Instead, she dug that ultrasound wand around for several minutes (not saying anything). Then at the end she pulled it out told me that I have no follicles of any recognizable size. She cannot distinguish one from another. Currently, I have absolutely no maturing follicles. Not even any "semi"-maturing follicles.
I just knew this was going to happen. I was trying so hard to focus on the positive and remain hopeful that I would at least have a recognizable follicle, even if it wasn't at 11mm, yet. But I knew this wasn't going to go right.
So now I was told to take two whole days off. I'm supposed to go back on Wednesday (which will be CD14 for me) for bloodwork and another ultrasound to see if there is anything growing by then. So on Wednesday morning I have to get up at 4:30am to drive an hour to London and just pray that I make it back in time for work at 8:45.
I managed to hold it together until we left the office. But I burst into tears when we got into the Jeep. Why won't things just go the way they're supposed to?
I had my first day of bloodwork and ultrasound today. Leading up to this I was trying to be positive. I was focusing on what I was hoping would happen, rather than what I thought would happen.
I knew for sure that my follicle wouldn't be the size it was supposed to be today (It should have been 11mm). However, I was hoping that it would at least be a recognizable size, so that they would be able to tell that I did, in fact, have one follicle that was maturing.
Instead, she dug that ultrasound wand around for several minutes (not saying anything). Then at the end she pulled it out told me that I have no follicles of any recognizable size. She cannot distinguish one from another. Currently, I have absolutely no maturing follicles. Not even any "semi"-maturing follicles.
I just knew this was going to happen. I was trying so hard to focus on the positive and remain hopeful that I would at least have a recognizable follicle, even if it wasn't at 11mm, yet. But I knew this wasn't going to go right.
So now I was told to take two whole days off. I'm supposed to go back on Wednesday (which will be CD14 for me) for bloodwork and another ultrasound to see if there is anything growing by then. So on Wednesday morning I have to get up at 4:30am to drive an hour to London and just pray that I make it back in time for work at 8:45.
I managed to hold it together until we left the office. But I burst into tears when we got into the Jeep. Why won't things just go the way they're supposed to?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
New Camera
I've been shopping around for a new camera for awhile. I didn't want just a point and shoot camera. The main thing that I wanted was to be able to change aperture settings. This is a rare find in a regular digital camera, so I went with a digital SLR. I got the Canon Rebel XS. It came with an 18-55mm lens, and I bought a 50mm lens as well. The aperture on the 50mm lens goes as low as 1.8, which gives me less depth of field. That sounds bad, but it isn't. It allows me to blur out foregrounds and backgrounds to give more focus on the subject.
Here's adorable Emmie. She was my subject tonight. Tomorrow I'll take some pictures of my new nephew, Elijah James.
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This face is adorable.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Furious!!!
I listen to 96.3 WDVD (a Detroit station) every morning during my 25 minute drive to work. This morning I was FURIOUS over their topic of conversation. Of course, it all started with Octomom. Go figure.
I was so upset that I had to write them an email (and I am so not that kind of person). I would describe the problem, but I think just copying and pasting the email will let you figure out what went wrong.
Dear Blaine, Lisa, and Allyson,
I have been a fan of your show for a couple of years now, and I listen to it every morning on my 25 minute drive to work. However, this morning you literally had me in tears after your conversation about Octomom, and I truly believe you need to apologize to a lot of people tomorrow morning.
My husband and I can't have children naturally because of a medical problem he had when he was younger. If this had been corrected on time, he probably would have been fine. But his parents and doctors decided to sit around until he was 5 years old before he had surgery to correct the problem.
We have been trying to have kids since we got married, and we found out in December that we have to use IUI (intrauterine insemination) in order to overcome my husband's fertility issues.
Blaine, today you made a big deal about how you don't think people who can't have children should have children. Apparently science is lying to us by allowing us to have this kids we so desperately want. We should just go and adopt.
I believe adoption is an amazing thing, and I would love to adopt. However, my husband and I don't have $25,000 lying around to spend on having just one kid. (IUI, on the other hand, costs $200 a shot.)
Why should my husband and I miss out on the joy of being pregnant, giving birth, and having our own biological children just because his parents and doctors made a mistake when he was younger? My entire life all I've ever wanted was to be a mom. I could be happy in many different careers (although I ended up being an elementary school teacher), but I could not be happy if I wasn't a mom. And my biggest fear my entire life was not being able to have my own kids. Now I am faced with that.
You don't understand how excruciatingly painful it is to go through infertility. To want to have kids so badly and not be able to do that without the help of science. You have absolutely no right to make the comments that you made, telling all people suffering from infertility to give up on having their own kids and go adopt.
And Allyson, you made comments about how people going through adoption have to go through all of the red tape to get there. Observations, home studies, classes, evaluations, etc. Now apparently you think that people doing fertility treatments need to do the same thing? Do you know how much all of that costs? The cost is prohibitive for the majority of people. And why should we have to go through psychological evaluations to have children when any normal, fertile person can get pregnant without anyone approving it? (Not to mention all of the drug addicts who get knocked up). If you're going to have this opinion, you should at least expand it to every parent out there, not just the ones who have trouble conceiving on their own. By all means, make parenting classes mandatory for everyone. But don't just single out the infertiles and adoptive parents, as if we need to "prove" ourselves more than anybody else should have to.
I am furious at the opinions you expressed this morning, and I think you owe everybody who suffers from infertility an apology. I hate what Octomom did, because now every Joe-Blow off the street thinks they're an infertility expert, and that they should be writing legislation to limit which fertility treatments go to who. Sure, her doctors shouldn't have implanted 6 embryos when she obviously had a good track record from IVF. But this situation doesn't give everybody the right to have an opinion on people going through fertility treatments.
I have held back a lot of what I wanted to say to you this morning. But I think I got my point across: Keep your opinions to yourself when you are talking about something that is this horrible and painful for the people going through it. You have no idea what you are talking about.
I would appreciate some acknowledgment of this email.
Lauren
Apparently those of us suffering from infertility don't deserve to have our own children. Apparently God doesn't think we should have children, and that's why we are infertile. We should all take a hike, close down infertility clinics, come up with $25,000, and adopt. Because adoption is such an easy process. Yeah, they're just handing kids out at grocery stores.
And apparently those of us suffering from infertility should all pay thousands of dollars (on top of the cost of fertility treatments) to be psychologically assessed and evaluated in order to be "allowed" to access fertility treatments. Because if we're infertile, we must have a higher risk of being unfit parents. But don't worry about the crack addict on the corner who just got knocked up by her pimp - she can have a kid. Obviously God intended for that to happen; SHE'S FERTILE!!!!
I cannot believe how people think they have the right to be spouting their opinions about fertility treatments to whoever they want. I'm finding this to be a huge problem just in general (not just on the radio), and I've had to tell many people "You need to shut your mouth, because this is none of your business."
Can everybody please just get a life and stop thinking you're some kind of infertility treatment expert??
Unless you've gone through it yourself, SHUT UP.
I was so upset that I had to write them an email (and I am so not that kind of person). I would describe the problem, but I think just copying and pasting the email will let you figure out what went wrong.
Dear Blaine, Lisa, and Allyson,
I have been a fan of your show for a couple of years now, and I listen to it every morning on my 25 minute drive to work. However, this morning you literally had me in tears after your conversation about Octomom, and I truly believe you need to apologize to a lot of people tomorrow morning.
My husband and I can't have children naturally because of a medical problem he had when he was younger. If this had been corrected on time, he probably would have been fine. But his parents and doctors decided to sit around until he was 5 years old before he had surgery to correct the problem.
We have been trying to have kids since we got married, and we found out in December that we have to use IUI (intrauterine insemination) in order to overcome my husband's fertility issues.
Blaine, today you made a big deal about how you don't think people who can't have children should have children. Apparently science is lying to us by allowing us to have this kids we so desperately want. We should just go and adopt.
I believe adoption is an amazing thing, and I would love to adopt. However, my husband and I don't have $25,000 lying around to spend on having just one kid. (IUI, on the other hand, costs $200 a shot.)
Why should my husband and I miss out on the joy of being pregnant, giving birth, and having our own biological children just because his parents and doctors made a mistake when he was younger? My entire life all I've ever wanted was to be a mom. I could be happy in many different careers (although I ended up being an elementary school teacher), but I could not be happy if I wasn't a mom. And my biggest fear my entire life was not being able to have my own kids. Now I am faced with that.
You don't understand how excruciatingly painful it is to go through infertility. To want to have kids so badly and not be able to do that without the help of science. You have absolutely no right to make the comments that you made, telling all people suffering from infertility to give up on having their own kids and go adopt.
And Allyson, you made comments about how people going through adoption have to go through all of the red tape to get there. Observations, home studies, classes, evaluations, etc. Now apparently you think that people doing fertility treatments need to do the same thing? Do you know how much all of that costs? The cost is prohibitive for the majority of people. And why should we have to go through psychological evaluations to have children when any normal, fertile person can get pregnant without anyone approving it? (Not to mention all of the drug addicts who get knocked up). If you're going to have this opinion, you should at least expand it to every parent out there, not just the ones who have trouble conceiving on their own. By all means, make parenting classes mandatory for everyone. But don't just single out the infertiles and adoptive parents, as if we need to "prove" ourselves more than anybody else should have to.
I am furious at the opinions you expressed this morning, and I think you owe everybody who suffers from infertility an apology. I hate what Octomom did, because now every Joe-Blow off the street thinks they're an infertility expert, and that they should be writing legislation to limit which fertility treatments go to who. Sure, her doctors shouldn't have implanted 6 embryos when she obviously had a good track record from IVF. But this situation doesn't give everybody the right to have an opinion on people going through fertility treatments.
I have held back a lot of what I wanted to say to you this morning. But I think I got my point across: Keep your opinions to yourself when you are talking about something that is this horrible and painful for the people going through it. You have no idea what you are talking about.
I would appreciate some acknowledgment of this email.
Lauren
Apparently those of us suffering from infertility don't deserve to have our own children. Apparently God doesn't think we should have children, and that's why we are infertile. We should all take a hike, close down infertility clinics, come up with $25,000, and adopt. Because adoption is such an easy process. Yeah, they're just handing kids out at grocery stores.
And apparently those of us suffering from infertility should all pay thousands of dollars (on top of the cost of fertility treatments) to be psychologically assessed and evaluated in order to be "allowed" to access fertility treatments. Because if we're infertile, we must have a higher risk of being unfit parents. But don't worry about the crack addict on the corner who just got knocked up by her pimp - she can have a kid. Obviously God intended for that to happen; SHE'S FERTILE!!!!
I cannot believe how people think they have the right to be spouting their opinions about fertility treatments to whoever they want. I'm finding this to be a huge problem just in general (not just on the radio), and I've had to tell many people "You need to shut your mouth, because this is none of your business."
Can everybody please just get a life and stop thinking you're some kind of infertility treatment expert??
Unless you've gone through it yourself, SHUT UP.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Part 1 of 2
This is going to be part 1 of a 2 part blog. It starts with the story of our infertility. (Minus many details and steps.)
We wanted to get pregnant as soon as we got married. I was intensely researching it for several months before our wedding. I went off the pill, started taking prenatal vitamins, and started charting my temperature. I knew everything you possibly could about getting pregnant. And I knew as much about being pregnant as you could possibly know without actually being pregnant. I wanted it to happen so bad.
We got married at the perfect time - right around when I was ovulating. I loved the feeling of knowing we were trying to make a baby. I pictured myself in the months ahead, dreaming about how pregnant I would be, and how thrilled we would be when our baby arrived 9 months later.
Then I got my period.
I was aware that it can take 6-8 months for a perfectly healthy, fertile couple to get pregnant. Despite this awareness, I had a bad feeling that there was something wrong with us. I tried to talk about this to people, but all I got was "Relax, Lauren. You'll get pregnant. You're being ridiculous." Nobody would take me seriously. Looking back, I get their reactions. (But I still have the "I told you so" feelings towards them.)
Then we went on our honeymoon. I was supposed to ovulate while we were in Jamaica, and I thought a real "honeymoon baby" would be so cute. Plus, if I got pregnant then, nobody would spread rumours about us getting pregnant before we were married.
Then I got my period again.
At this point I knew there was something wrong. I just had that gut feeling. I don't know about everybody else, but I have pretty strong gut feelings, and they are usually right. So I knew something was wrong.
Eventually we were diagnosed with male factor infertility and referred to an infertility clinic. We're getting ready to do our first IUI this month, which is great. I do feel that it will still take quite awhile before our efforts are rewarded, but at least our plan is finally in action.
I was thinking today how nice those first couple of months were (in some ways... in other ways they were terribly disappointing). In those first couple of months I still had hope. I laugh at the ridiculous thoughts I had.
1. I didn't want to buy too many tampons because I might not need them.
2. I actually debated whether I should buy the pregnancy tests in a pack of 2 instead of 1, because what if I didn't need the other test? (Now I refuse to buy a box with only one test in it... in fact I've gotten to the point where I'm ordering online in packs of 50).
3. Every piece of clothing I bought I thought about how it would work when I was pregnant.
4. I didn't want to order FertilAid (for myself or for Justin) because what if we got pregnant and we still had months of it left over? What a waste of money!
5. Every month I would count 38 weeks from my ovulation date to figure our when our baby would come.
6. We bought a house with 6 bedrooms because we thought we'd fill them with kids right away!
Now I have none of those feelings. I'll buy Justin's supplements in enormous quantities because I can't imagine ever getting to the point where he can stop taking them (ie. getting the elusive BFP Big Fat Positive). I try to think of what we'll do with the empty bedrooms in our house. Even if we do end up being blessed with kids, will we ever have enough to fill our bedrooms? Do we really want to go through infertility treatments 4 times to have the 4 kids we want so bad? Is it even a good idea, considering how stressful it is on me and how stressful it is on a marriage?
I actually can't walk into the room that was set aside to be our nursery - the only room that is still completely empty - without almost bursting into tears.
I miss the feeling of hopefulness.
We wanted to get pregnant as soon as we got married. I was intensely researching it for several months before our wedding. I went off the pill, started taking prenatal vitamins, and started charting my temperature. I knew everything you possibly could about getting pregnant. And I knew as much about being pregnant as you could possibly know without actually being pregnant. I wanted it to happen so bad.
We got married at the perfect time - right around when I was ovulating. I loved the feeling of knowing we were trying to make a baby. I pictured myself in the months ahead, dreaming about how pregnant I would be, and how thrilled we would be when our baby arrived 9 months later.
Then I got my period.
I was aware that it can take 6-8 months for a perfectly healthy, fertile couple to get pregnant. Despite this awareness, I had a bad feeling that there was something wrong with us. I tried to talk about this to people, but all I got was "Relax, Lauren. You'll get pregnant. You're being ridiculous." Nobody would take me seriously. Looking back, I get their reactions. (But I still have the "I told you so" feelings towards them.)
Then we went on our honeymoon. I was supposed to ovulate while we were in Jamaica, and I thought a real "honeymoon baby" would be so cute. Plus, if I got pregnant then, nobody would spread rumours about us getting pregnant before we were married.
Then I got my period again.
At this point I knew there was something wrong. I just had that gut feeling. I don't know about everybody else, but I have pretty strong gut feelings, and they are usually right. So I knew something was wrong.
Eventually we were diagnosed with male factor infertility and referred to an infertility clinic. We're getting ready to do our first IUI this month, which is great. I do feel that it will still take quite awhile before our efforts are rewarded, but at least our plan is finally in action.
I was thinking today how nice those first couple of months were (in some ways... in other ways they were terribly disappointing). In those first couple of months I still had hope. I laugh at the ridiculous thoughts I had.
1. I didn't want to buy too many tampons because I might not need them.
2. I actually debated whether I should buy the pregnancy tests in a pack of 2 instead of 1, because what if I didn't need the other test? (Now I refuse to buy a box with only one test in it... in fact I've gotten to the point where I'm ordering online in packs of 50).
3. Every piece of clothing I bought I thought about how it would work when I was pregnant.
4. I didn't want to order FertilAid (for myself or for Justin) because what if we got pregnant and we still had months of it left over? What a waste of money!
5. Every month I would count 38 weeks from my ovulation date to figure our when our baby would come.
6. We bought a house with 6 bedrooms because we thought we'd fill them with kids right away!
Now I have none of those feelings. I'll buy Justin's supplements in enormous quantities because I can't imagine ever getting to the point where he can stop taking them (ie. getting the elusive BFP Big Fat Positive). I try to think of what we'll do with the empty bedrooms in our house. Even if we do end up being blessed with kids, will we ever have enough to fill our bedrooms? Do we really want to go through infertility treatments 4 times to have the 4 kids we want so bad? Is it even a good idea, considering how stressful it is on me and how stressful it is on a marriage?
I actually can't walk into the room that was set aside to be our nursery - the only room that is still completely empty - without almost bursting into tears.
I miss the feeling of hopefulness.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Understanding Infertility
I was talking to my mom last night about our infertility. I was trying to explain the extent to which no one can understand what it's like, but I'm not convinced that she came away from the conversation understanding that no one understands (have I lost you yet?).
One of the hard parts of infertility is that unless someone has gone through it, they cannot begin to understand the amount of pain it causes. If they don't want kids, or if they got pregnant naturally, they cannot understand how horrifying it is to deal with infertility.
I was explaining this to my mom, and she said "Well, I guess it's just like with death. Nobody can understand what it's like to lose someone close to you unless it's happened to them. Nobody can understand what it's like to lose a parent or a spouse unless they've actually lost a parent or a spouse."
That's when I realized she still doesn't get it. I explained to her that it's not like that at all. When somebody loses a parent or spouse, everyone else feels absolutely terrible for them. They realize what a tragedy it is. They realize that they don't know how it feels, but they do know that it must be beyond horrifying, and that the person left behind feels empty and lost. They understand that it takes a long time to deal with the death of a loved one, and that you never really get over it.
With infertility, people don't understand how horrible it is. They think "Oh, that must suck," or "That's hard to not be able to get pregnant naturally." But they don't realize that it really can be the worst thing to happen to someone who yearns to have children with all of her heart.
They just think "Oh, they might have to struggle now but they'll get pregnant eventually." But what if we don't? People who haven't struggled with IF don't know what it's like to be faced with the possibility that they'll never get pregnant.
I honestly cannot fathom ever getting pregnant. I actually sometimes feel like I never will, but I try my hardest to not feel like that because it seems that when I get a gut feeling, I'm always right. So I try to fight that feeling of never getting pregnant, because I don't want that to be my reality.
No one can understand that feeling. It bothers me that other people don't understand the horrible struggles and experiences IF sufferers go through. It especially bothers me when they think that they do understand, when I know that they can't possibly.
One of the hard parts of infertility is that unless someone has gone through it, they cannot begin to understand the amount of pain it causes. If they don't want kids, or if they got pregnant naturally, they cannot understand how horrifying it is to deal with infertility.
I was explaining this to my mom, and she said "Well, I guess it's just like with death. Nobody can understand what it's like to lose someone close to you unless it's happened to them. Nobody can understand what it's like to lose a parent or a spouse unless they've actually lost a parent or a spouse."
That's when I realized she still doesn't get it. I explained to her that it's not like that at all. When somebody loses a parent or spouse, everyone else feels absolutely terrible for them. They realize what a tragedy it is. They realize that they don't know how it feels, but they do know that it must be beyond horrifying, and that the person left behind feels empty and lost. They understand that it takes a long time to deal with the death of a loved one, and that you never really get over it.
With infertility, people don't understand how horrible it is. They think "Oh, that must suck," or "That's hard to not be able to get pregnant naturally." But they don't realize that it really can be the worst thing to happen to someone who yearns to have children with all of her heart.
They just think "Oh, they might have to struggle now but they'll get pregnant eventually." But what if we don't? People who haven't struggled with IF don't know what it's like to be faced with the possibility that they'll never get pregnant.
I honestly cannot fathom ever getting pregnant. I actually sometimes feel like I never will, but I try my hardest to not feel like that because it seems that when I get a gut feeling, I'm always right. So I try to fight that feeling of never getting pregnant, because I don't want that to be my reality.
No one can understand that feeling. It bothers me that other people don't understand the horrible struggles and experiences IF sufferers go through. It especially bothers me when they think that they do understand, when I know that they can't possibly.
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