Laundry

I can't wait until winter is over. I seem to remember that in the summer Justin and I were only creating about 2 loads of laundry per week. Now we're creating 4!! We're only 2 people! Granted, Justin has always made a ton of laundry. If I were to wash his clothes seperately there would be twice as much as there is from me. And that's not just because his clothes are bigger (although they are). He just seems to go through a million T-shirts, sweatpants, and sweatshirts every week.

This makes me a bit nervous for the amount of laundry we'll have to do when we have kids (if we can ever get to that point!) Obviously when that happens I will have to get out of the habit of only doing laundry on the weekends.

Anyway, back to my original point: I can't wait until winter is over (not just because of the extra laundry). We keep having a day or two a week where the temperature crawls above zero, and things start to actually feel balmy! And then suddenly it's -12 again. The cold weather feels so much colder when you just had a day of 5 degree temperatures.

Come, spring, come!! And please let me be pregnant when you get here!

Crazy Eights

I stole this from someone else's blog.

8 TV Shows I Love to Watch:

1. LOST
2. Jon and Kate Plus 8
3. Private Practice
4. Grey's Anatomy
5. Entourage
6. Heroes
7. House
8. Scrubs

8 Things that Happened Today:

1. I woke up crying twice from bad dreams
2. I was elated that I got my period last night
3. I hugged and kissed my husband
4. I read a book while I ate breakfast
5. I'm having a P.D. Day right now
6. I had a staff meeting to start the day
7. I went out for lunch with some of my staff
8. I avoided writing report cards

8 Things I Look Forward To:

1. Getting pregnant
2. Having a baby
3. SUMMER HOLIDAYS
4. Christmas holidays
5. March break
6. My birthday
7. Justin's birthday
8. Seeing my whole family at once (Mom, Dad, brothers, and sister)

8 Things I'm Thankful for

1. My wonderful and loving husband
2. My parents
3. My siblings
4. My friends
5. My infertility support group
6. My doctors
7. My beautiful home
8. My job

8 Things on My Wishlist:

1. Have a baby
2. Have a baby
3. Have a baby
4. Have a baby
5. Have a baby
6. Have a baby
7. Have a baby
8. I actually want to have twins. But if you're a doctor, forget you read that. I know you wouldn't approve.

Hurray!

Well, I got my period last night, so I am extremely happy!!!

It came at the exact right time so that my first U/S and bloodwork (on CD11) fall on a Sunday (the 8th of March), and that's an appointment when I would have to drive an hour away. If it was on a work day, I would have somehow make it was for 8:45am when I start teaching.

And then I can do the next four days of bloodwork in the town where I work (so I can do it before work). And then on that Friday I'll need another ultrasound along with my bloodwork, which means that I need to drive an hour away for that. Normally that would be very inconvenient, but on that Friday the 13th I'm off work because our March break starts a day early! And then the IUI will fall either on that weekend or during the March break.

I can't believe this first IUI ended up being so convenient! I totally thought that I would be monitoring my cycle already, and that the IUI would happen in the next week, but my period came incredibly late. Not that I would have complained if that had happened, but I am quite happy with the way the timing of this all worked out.

Hopefully nothing comes along and throws a wrench in the plans. Like an earlier ovulation than usual... but seriously, why would I complain about that?

Beating the Odds... In the Wrong Direction

Yesterday I had an HSG at 8:00am. At around 2:00 I started to have some pain in my lower abdomen. Everytime I moved it hurt, and if I applied pressure it killed. As time passed the pain got a lot worse, and radiated through my entire abdomen. By the time I left work I was gasping with pain.

I ended up going to the emergency room at around 5:30 because the pain was so bad and wouldn't go away. They took blood and urine samples, as well as X-Rays to check for air in my abdomen. Luckily we live in an extremely small town, so the ER isn't very busy. Despite all the tests they ran, we were in and out in about an hour and a half.

They ended up not finding anything unusual except an elevated white blood cell count. Apparently an infection doesn't show up until 24-48 hours after a procedure, so the elevated count is probably because of the pain. The pain itself was probably an allergic reaction to the contrast material they used during the HSG.

They gave me a mega dose injection of Toradol, along with a prescription. Unfortunately the Toradol did absolutely nothing. I finally just went to bed at around 8:30 to try and escape the pain. Luckily it was the kind of pain that wasn't excrutiating if I lied completely still. And amazingly, I was able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep (which is so unlike me).

I am flabbergasted that Justin and I keep managing to beat the odds in the wrong direction. If there is a very small chance of something going wrong, it'll go wrong for us!

1. We were in the 15% who couldn't get pregnant in the first year.

2. Justin was in the 5% of men with MFI.

3. I was one of the 5% of women who stop ovulating when they take Clomid.

4. I was in the 1% of women who have complications after an HSG, which is really quite a simple and routine procedure.

Oh, and to top it off, when we walk into the emergency room the person admitting us is someone Justin and I knew in high school. Someone we did not want to know all of our business. THEN the nurse we got was about 8 months pregnant. And then they put a crying baby in the room beside us.

Like my ovaries weren't aching enough, already.

I'm a bit bitter, but really, what's the point? Obviously I can't change the fact that we keep getting crap thrown at us. The only thing I can do is laugh about it.

Finally, Someone With Some Sense

I called my clinic today to ask them when is the latest I can cancel my 9am appointment with my RE on Monday. The appointment would be useless if I didn't have my CD3 bloodwork done already.

(If you've been reading you'll know that I'm on CD37 and still haven't gotten a period. I am convinced that I am one of the 5% of women who stop ovulating on Clomid. And I very nervous that I'll have to take provera to bring on a period.)

I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of the appointment. I thought it would be useless, just like the first one. My doctor asked me to make it back at my initial consultation. She wanted another appointment after my HSG and Day 3 bloodwork was done just to talk about what we were going to do. I asked her if we would be able to do IUI this coming cycle and she said that we could, as long as everything else checked out. So basically, this appointment was going to last about 5 minutes, and it was going to be her telling me "Everything looks fine. Your bloodwork was normal and your tubes are open. I don't see any reason why we shouldn't do an IUI with a spontaneous cycle this month." And I would have to take a day off of work for that, since the clinic is an hour away.

So I called the clinic and talked to an extremely sweet and helpful nurse. I didn't call with the intention of cancelling my appointment, but that's what ended up happening. The nurse agreed with me that it would be a waste of my time, because all that would happen would be that my doctor would tell me that I either could, or couldn't, do IUI this cycle. That can be done easily over the phone. So the nurse cancelled my appointment. I am just going to call the clinic on Day 1 of my cycle to inform them that my cycle has started, and that I'll be in on Day 11 for my first blood and ultrasound. On CD3 I'll go get my bloodwork done and have it sent to my clinic. If my bloodwork is abnormal, I'll get a call and then I'll have an appointment about what we should do.

I tried to explain to my doctor how inconvenient the appointments are, and that I only want to go to what is absolutely necessary. I live an hour away from the clinic, and I need to be at work from 8:30-3:30 every day. I'm a teacher. It's not like I can start 2 hours late and then work 2 hours later to make up for it. The doctor didn't seem to get that, because she still asked me to make an unecessary appointment. But thankfully this nurse was completely understanding.

I understand that fertility treatments are inconvenient for everyone, not just me. But the doctors need to be a little bit more accommodating to that end. Why make me drive an hour and miss a day of work to have a 5 minute consultation that could be done over the phone?

I'm so glad that I got ahold of that nurse that I talked to today. Now I can try and relax a bit about when my period is coming.

Yeah right. It's all I can think about. Come, period, come!! I want to start IUI!

HSG Results

So after much worrying about getting my period before my HSG this morning, it decided to hold off. Now I am hoping that it'll come today or tomorrow so that I can get my blood testing done before my RE appointment on Monday.

The results: my tubes were open, as I was expecting them to be. It did take a bit longer for the dye to get through one of them (I don't know which one because I was looking at it upside down and I can't remember). Maybe there was a very slight blockage that was cleared from the procedure. My doctor didn't even mention it though, so it could be completely normal for the dye to take longer to come out of one side.

My uterus didn't look normally shaped to me. It's supposed to be like an upside down triangle. Mine was not. It was all smooshy and more to the right. No triangle shape at all. My doctor said that my uterus tips backwards a bit, so he had to pull it forwards to inject the dye. Maybe that's why I couldn't see the triangle shape. When I mentioned that my uterus didn't look normal to me, and if he thought it was, he said "It's as normal as you are." (Insult?:) But it really didn't look like the pictures I've seen of normal HSG's.

Man, fallopian tubes are SO long and bendy. No wonder my husband's sperm can't make it to my eggs! It's like trying to crawl up a crazy twisty waterslide!

Poor little guys never had a chance.

Beta HCG Test - Negative, of course

I was stressing out about the HSG appointment because my spotting has gotten lighter than it was this morning. I started to wonder if it was getting lighter because it really was implantation spotting. So I went to my OBGYN to get a requisition for a BETA HCG test. I knew the test wasn't going to be positive, but I just had to be sure.

It was a big fat negative. My level was below 3. Of course. I will never get a positive pregnancy test. Some days I wonder why I even bother with all the stress of fertility treatments and appointments. Why don't we just adopt?

I am increasingly aware of what an annoyance an infertility patient is. I feel annoying with every phone call I make. I feel like I'm constantly changing appointments, asking for requisitions for this and that, asking for a prescription for this drug and a referral to this clinic--oh wait I changed my mind, I want a referal to this clinic now...

When I went to my OBGYN's office this afternoon he looked at me and said "You're getting to be quite high maintenance."

I laughed. He was probably joking.

I think.

I'm choosing to believe he was joking.

Here's a Tip

If you've had a cold for 6 days that requires blowing your nose every 15 minutes, do not apply Vicks.

It burns. A lot.

Semi-Thankfulness

I was talking to my husband this morning about our situation. I don't generally have a positive outlook on our infertility. I tend to keep reminding myself of the chances that we won't get pregnant, rather than the chances that we will.

However, today I had a rare moment of something resembling thankfulness. Don't get me wrong; I am not at all thankful that we can't get pregnant naturally. I hate our situation. But I was thinking about the people out there who have been trying to get pregnant for years and have had all the tests done, but just can't figure out why they can't get pregnant. They're ovulating, their cervical mucous is healthy, their tubes are open, and their sperm counts are high. But they just can't get pregnant.

Thinking about those people made me feel somewhat thankful that at least we know what our problem is. At least the doctors recognized it pretty early, and we can start fertility treatments before we've spent years and years trying to get pregnant. If nothing else, at least we can be thankful for that.

I'm still bitter, though.

Upcoming HSG

I have an HSG scheduled for Wednesday after cancelling my first one on the 4th because of a false positive on an OPK (I really kicked myself over that decision). I figured that my period would have come and gone by now, but instead, here I am on CD35 still waiting.

However, I suddenly got some spotting and cramping this afternoon. I have experienced this enough times to know that I'm not pregnant, but because of the HSG I'm worried that this is implantation spotting and cramping instead premenstrual spotting and cramping.

Now I'm completely paranoid about when I would get a positive HPT after implantation. If I don't have my period by Wednesdaymorning I'll take a test before the HSG... but would it show up then already?

I just can't cancel another HSG. I need the results of it (and my Day 3 bloodwork, for that matter) for my Monday appointment with my RE. I just want to get started with IUI!!!

Oh the torture.

Wedding Picture

Me and my wonderful husband, Justin, on our wedding day.

Relief

Infertility is a funny thing. A huge part of me wishes that everyone knew about it. I wish that everyone knew how badly Justin and I want kids, and that we have been trying to get pregnant since we got married. I wish they knew all of the testing we've gone through, all of the heartache we're dealing with, and what a stress this is on a marriage. I wish everyone knew what I have to go through in order to get pregnant (I say "I" because honestly, even when the problem is male factor infertility, it's the woman who has to do all the work). I wish they knew that during half the month I have to leave the house every morning at 5:45 am to drive an hour away to get blood tests and ultrasounds done, and then try like crazy to get to work before the kids come into the classroom. All to do something that pretty much everybody takes for granted -- getting pregnant.

Then there's the other part of me that doesn't want people to know. I still want people to be surprised when I announce that I'm pregnant. Part of me doesn't want the whole world to know that we're trying and trying and that we just can't do it naturally.

Normally when somebody asks when we're going to have kids, I respond with a weak "Oh... who knows..." and try to resist the urge to run to the bathroom to throw up. I really hate that question, and if people only knew how much it hurts they would never ask it again.

However, this weekend a casual friend and I were talking about the fact that my brother and his wife are due this week (they got pregnant, by accident, 2 weeks after they got married... kind of a slap in the face to us IF sufferers). She turned the conversation to me and said, "So when are you and Justin going to have kids? I pictured you as someone who would want to be a mom right away."

I quickly thought about it and realized that I could tell her what was going on without the entire world and my entire community finding out. So for once, I experienced the relief of being able to reply, "Actually, we can't have kids naturally." For once I was able to describe the pain and stress of infertility, instead of pretending to have no idea when we were going to have kids.

She couldn't possibly understand what it's like for me. She admits that she doesn't have that burning desire to be a mom (despite the fact that she's been married for 2 years). And even if she did, nobody can understand infertility unless they've gone through it themselves.

But I had such a feeling of relief to be able to tell the truth.

Puffs

I came down with a pretty bad cold last Thursday evening. When I got to work on Friday I was blowing my nose every 5 minutes. I had to open another box of kleenex, and my students and I laughed when we found out that the box of Puffs tissues came with instructions on the bottom. Because apparently people buy kleenex and don't know how to use it.

1. Blow - gently, so you don't hurt your ears. Use a soft clean tissue.

2. Throw - throw the used tissue in the trash.

3. Wash & Go - Wash your hands with soap and water. Rinse, then dry with a clean paper towel.

At that point I laughed again, because I was blowing my nose so often that if I washed my hands between each blow, that would be all I ever had time to do. Blow, wash, blow, wash, blow, wash... Sorry kids, I can't teach you.

Emmie

Back in September, when we were tired of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, we decided that maybe getting a kitten would be a good distraction. I was against this for a long time because of several reasons (cat hair, litter boxes, extra expenses, etc.) Then Justin sent me an email saying that one of his co-workers had kittens she was giving away, and that one of them was a cute little girl with an M on her forehead; so we could call her Emmie!!

Somehow this got to me, and by that evening I wanted that cat... RIGHT NOW! We couldn't get it until the next day, but as soon as we went to look at the little cutie we were both in love.

The fact that we found out 3 months later that our little Emmie was really a little boy is beside the point.

The Beginning

Many things happen in our lives that Justin and I would like to remember. This blog is going to help us do that. The likelihood that anybody will read this but me is low... I'm aware of that.