River is 3 Months Old

River was 3 months old yesterday. 

-He weighs about 15lbs according to our digital scale when he's naked.

-He is 25.5 inches long.

-His hair is quite blonde and his eyes are blue.

-His bottom two teeth are playing peekaboo. 

-He is always mouthing things and chews and sucks on his hands a lot. 

-He’s not good at taking a soother, even though it makes him happy when he does. 

-My oversupply issues seem to be under control, but River still doesn’t really comfort nurse because if he’s not hungry he can’t handle the fact that he’s getting milk. 

-He nurses on demand, which ends up being about every 2 hours. He isn't usually hungry more often than that. 

-He often has issues nursing in the late afternoon and evening. I often have to stand up and bounce him next to loud music to get him to nurse, even when he’s hungry. It’s so frustrating because he’ll scream because he’s hungry but then refuses to actually nurse.  And he’s never had a bottle so it’s not like it’s a preference thing. 

-He never ever nurses to sleep except in the middle of the night. 

-Getting him to sleep at night is way easier than it used to be, but it’s still a long process. Getting him to nurse before bed usually involves me nursing him while bouncing on the exercise ball next to loud white noise. He won’t nurse in the rocking chair. It’s very annoying. 

-I used to have to wear him to sleep every night because it would take an hour and a half to get him to sleep, but now it’s a little shorter and I cradle him while bouncing on the exercise ball until he falls asleep. Then I transfer to the comfy rocking chair until he’s MORE asleep, and then lay him in bed. 

-He used to always wake up and I’d have to put him back to sleep once or twice at the beginning of the night, but recently we’ve had more nights where that wasn’t necessary.  It still happens though. Last night he fell asleep pretty easily and I was pumped, but he woke up smiling right when I put him down. He thought he had a nap. It took 45 minutes of bouncing him on the ball in the Tula to get him back to sleep. 

-At night he sleeps anywhere from 1-4 hours at a time. The 4 hour stretches only happen a few times a week. Usually he’ll have his longest stretch at the beginning of the night and then be up every two hours, but sometimes he’ll do another three hour stretch and sometimes it’ll be as little as an hour. 

-He typically sleeps 12-13 hours at night (waking up to nurse many times). 

-He is a tummy sleeper and has been since about 2 weeks old. 

-I only give him a bath a couple of times a week now because he screams through every single one. But before every bedtime I always lay him on a towel on the counter beside the sink and wash his hands and face and diaper area. He really loves laying there and is really sweet and smiley even if he’s been crying up until then. But if I put him IN water, watch out. 

-We babywear for every nap, with blaring white noise. 

-Most of his naps are short 30 minute ones. He is definitely happier and easier to deal with when he naps longer, but unfortunately I can’t FORCE him to sleep. I would if I could. 

-His awake periods are about an hour and a half. 

-Just within the last week he’s not immediately crying as soon as I wear him. I’m using a different carry (front cross carry) and I don’t know if that’s it, but it’s only since I started using that carry with the beastly toddler worthy Pavo Trillium that he hasn’t started crying as soon as I wear him. 

-His contentedness is getting better but it’s still a challenge to keep him from fussing after the first 45 minutes of awake time.    

-He no longer immediately loses his mind when he’s with someone else. He likes being with me best but if he’s in a good mood he can handle a bit of time with someone else (just a bit). 

-He loves watching his brothers play.

-We just got him a doorway jumper this week, and he seems to really enjoy it for about 10 minutes as long as we’re sitting there with him. 

-He can go on his playmat and be entertained for about 5 minutes. He likes batting at all the toys and is getting better at actually grabbing them intentionally. 

-He still loves diaper changes.  

-He's been wearing AMP size small and Applecheeks size 1 with Geffen Baby xs and Thirsties size 1 hemp prefolds inside.  Just this week I’ve been sick of stuffing pocket diapers so I’ve pulled out our new Flip covers (the elastics are too relaxed on our old ones) and I’m using them with flats, prefolds, and inserts. 

-At night he wears a sloomb medium OBF with a Geffen Quick absorber on the outside and a Disana wool cover. 

-He is adorably talkative when he's happy. He has the most amazing smiles when he's happy. 

-He’s not grunting at night or in the morning anymore!

-He goes up nice and high on his elbows when he’s on his tummy (he’s shrieking with delight on his tummy as I type this). He can also travel really far when laying on the ground, although it’s not really purposeful. 

-We recently have been able to leave the house for very short periods (like half an hour) in between naps, so that’s progress. It’s only been a few times once in awhile though, and it’s still stressful. 

I don’t think colic is really behind us. If it weren’t for loud music and loud white noise River would still be spending hours and hours screaming every day.  But it’s better than it was. 

Things are not wonderful. Life is still hard. This week was especially hard compared to last week. But doing this update and comparing what things were like at 2 months to now, there has been improvement in most areas, even if it’s not vast. 

He brings me a lot of joy, and also a lot of... I don’t know how to say it without sounding horrible. It’s just hard with him. Very very hard. Hopefully things will keep improving!

It Will All Be Okay

I had a mental breakthrough yesterday with my friend, Laura. 

I was talking to Laura about how I feel bad for my older kids that we can't go out and do everything we would be doing if it was just the two of them and we didn't have a dragon baby. I was saying how the dragon baby would bother me less if I didn't feel bad about my older kids being stuck at home. I was talking about how Isaiah was a dragon but then got better, but how I realized we basically stayed home for an entire year, out of necessity. Like seriously, we didn't really go ANYWHERE. He hated the car and I accepted that and we stayed home. And it was fine and it didn't last forever. It was just a year, and frankly it was a lovely year at home with my two boys, because I just met my child where he was at and didn't put ANY pressure on him or me to do something I knew would turn into a disaster. 

River is fairly easy to handle at home now. He's not actually easy, but we have methods to cope with it. Which is great, if we just stay home. 

And Laura was like "So stay home. Just stay home."

And it just clicked for me finally. We can stay home. I don't have to sign my kids up for all the cool homeschooling activities available while we're in this difficult time. I can send them to gymnastics with my dad if I have to, and stay home with River. And that's ALL I have to sign them up for. I don't have to pressure myself or River to be ready to sign up for library stuff or gym and swim in September when I don't know if it'll even work or not. 

We can stay home for a year if we have to and the kids will be fine. They have each other. We have friends who will come here and are willing to work around our dragon baby. 

It will all be okay. This will pass, and in the meantime we will all be okay "missing out" on stuff. I wanted a baby who would fit into our life as it was, but it doesn't seem as if we've gotten one. So we just have to meet him where he's at and not pressure him to be different or pressure myself to find a way to deal with him out in public. We don't actually HAVE to go out in public if it's going to be hell. One day we'll be able to again. 

This will all pass. And in the meantime, it will all be okay. We will all be okay. 

I feel very free.

River is 2 Months Old

I can't believe River is 2 months old. As in, I can't believe he is ONLY two months old. The last two months have been the longest two months of my life. It's felt like AT LEAST 6 months. 

-He weighs 13.5lbs according to our digital scale when he's naked.

-He is about 24.75 inches long.

-I believe his head is 16 inches around.

-His hair is quite blonde and his eyes are blue.

-His bottom two teeth are playing peekaboo. 

-I'm still dealing with some oversupply, which is annoying. River can't ever nurse for comfort. EVER. And that sucks, because he would love to. And I would love nothing more than to sit on the couch all day nursing, instead of spending the entire last two months bouncing around (literally from two days old he absolutely required bouncing at all times even while sleeping). 

-He nurses on demand, which ends up being about every 2 hours. He isn't really hungry more often than that. 

-We babywear for every nap. When he's awake and we put him in a wrap or carrier he automatically starts crying. Just automatically. Unless he's in a really good calm mood. It really sucks. The only thing to do to calm him down is to blare music at top volume. Our house is so loud all the time. 

-For the most part recently at night he has been sleeping approximately 3 hours, 3 hours, 2 hours, 2 hours. It's usually a little bit shy of 3 hours actually but in my mind I say 3 to make myself feel better. And those 2 hour stretches are usually shorter too. More like 1.5-1.75. 

-Last night he surprised me by sleeping 3.5 hours, 4 hours, and 3 hours. 

-He is a tummy sleeper and has been since about 2 weeks old when nothing else had worked. We spent many hundreds of dollars of different swaddlers and sacks and a stupid $250 DockaTot. But he just kept choking on his spit up and waking up every 30-60 minutes. Putting him on his tummy got me some 2 hour stretches of sleep. 

-I give him a bath almost every night at the beginning of bedtime routine. And he screams through every single one. They are the fastest baths ever. 

-For the first 6 weeks of his life if he was awake he was crying. Now he will be happy for awhile.  We can usually count on about 30 minutes of pleasantness after he wakes up. After that it's a toss up. Sometimes he can make it to an hour. But after that he's fussy. And then crying. And the only thing that will calm him down is being worn and listening to loud music. Those two things have to be done together. Neither one will work alone. He will just keep crying/screaming. 

-He is not happy with anyone but me. He could be perfectly pleasant, but if I give him to another adult (including Justin) he will be crying within a couple of minutes. He will get REALLY worked up, and when I get him back he starts to calm down. It's clear he immediately knows when I'm holding him. 

-He loves diaper changes.  He screamed through every change for the first 2-3 weeks, but then started liking them. For awhile it was the ONLY time he wouldn't be crying, so we would drag those changes out as long as possible. 

-He's wearing AMP size small and Applecheeks size 1 with Geffen Baby xs and Thirsties size 1 hemp prefolds inside. 

-I just stopped changing him at night within the last two weeks. He wears a sloomb medium OBF with a Geffen Quick absorber on the outside and a wool cover (either sloomb or Disana - they work equally well). 

-He is adorably talkative when he's happy. He has the most amazing smiles for me, and his brothers when he's happy. Rarely his dad, unfortunately. Maybe Justin just hasn't been around enough because he's keeping the big kids entertained. 

-He is still grunty while he sleeps, but not until he's about to wake up. Although from about 4am onward he grunts a A LOT more. 

-He has a very strong neck. He's been holding his head up straight since he was 9 days old. 

The worst part of everything is that we can't leave the house. Every time we try it is a disaster. If we can't turn on music and wear him when he gets fussy he just ends up crying and crying and will not stop. We are prisoners in our home. I feel bad for my older kids. There are so many homeschooling group activities I want to do this fall and I'm afraid to sign up for and pay for things only to not be able to go because River is friggin impossible to deal with. 

When he is happy he is the best. And we are coping much better at home now than we were able to a few weeks ago. Things are definitely so much better than they were before the six week mark. But we have a long way to go before he's not ruining our lives. That sounds bad, and I do love him, but it's true. He has stopped everything in its tracks. Thankfully the kids don't seem to resent him for making it so we can't go do things. I feel bad for them though. And I am sick and tired of having a kid who hates life for no apparent reason. I really didn't think he was going to be like this when I was pregnant. I was so sure I'd have a chill third baby. 

I hope by three months my update is very different. 

River's Birth Story

The Birth Story of River Shiloh Rain

I'm posting this six weeks late... after not posting anything for the majority of my pregnancy!

My "due date" was June 26/27 (it depended on if you considered the day I ovulated as day 1 of pregnancy or not).  June 26 came and went. Starting at 39 weeks I had been trying all kinds of "natural" induction methods. Chiropractic, acupuncture, acupressure, clary sage oil... I had been drinking tons of red raspberry leaf tea and eating six dates a day for many many weeks.  I had a stretch and sweep done at 39+1, and all day I felt like I was in early labour, but by evening things petered out. My stretch and sweep at 37+1 with Isaiah put me immediately into labour, so the failure of this sweep and everything else made me feel like I would NEVER have my baby (I know, so ridiculously dramatic). 

On June 27 at 8:30pm I was super tired and tried to go to sleep as soon as Isaiah was asleep. Unfortunately, the baby was acting like Edward Scissor Hands inside of me.  It literally felt like he was stabbing and scraping me with knives, and it HURT. I couldn't fall asleep, and I missed my "window" of tiredness.  I laid there for the next several hours trying to fall asleep. 

At 11:30 I realized I was having painful contractions, and they seemed regular.  I didn't know how long it had been happening for. This sometimes happens to me, so I wasn't very suspicious.  I got up and went to the bathroom. When I went back to bed I paid more attention to my contractions by looking at the time on my phone every time one started and ended. They seemed to be about a minute long, coming every 5-6 minutes.

At 12:20 I decided to download a contraction timer app so that I could more accurately time my contractions. This confirmed their regularity.  At 12:45 I just couldn't stay in bed anymore.  I still didn't necessarily think I was in real labour, but I was in too much pain to keep lying there.  I got up, tidied up some things that I was too cranky and pregnant to put away before bed, put some laundry in the washing machine, etc.  As soon as I got out of bed my contractions started coming every 2-3 minutes, but they shortened to about 45 seconds long.  They were strong, and I couldn't do anything but lean over something when I was having them. 

For a little bit I still thought things were going to peter out (I was in labour with Isaiah for 52 hours, so I had past experience with this). But I had checked my cervix several times since 11:30, and things were changing FAST.  I had been 2-3 cm dilated for weeks, but I wasn't very effaced.  When I checked at 11:30 I was maybe a little more effaced, but still had a bunch of length left. However, by 1:30 I was fully effaced and maybe more dilated.  It was hard to reach to measure that accurately, but I could tell my cervix was moving from posterior to anterior.

At 1:30am I realized the contractions weren't going away, I was going to have this baby!  I went in to wake up Justin. He was sleeping with Noah, so I touched his leg and he immediately opened up his eyes. I whispered "I'm in labour."  He said "Are you serious?"  I said, "I need you to get out of bed."

He got out of bed and immediately started topping up the birth pool with air (it had been sitting blown up in our living room for over three weeks, and I had asked him to top it up earlier but it never got done).  Then he started filling it with water. 

I was calmly labouring in the kitchen (which is open concept with the living room) and things were strong. At about 1:45 I decided I should call my midwife. I hadn't up until then because it was the middle of the night and I felt bad, thinking I didn't want to wake everyone up if I wasn't going to have a baby until like 6am.  But things were fast and intense, so I figured I should get the show on the road, so to speak.  My midwife was staying an hour away with her daughter who had just had a baby, so I thought she should probably get on the road, or send the other midwives in her place.

So I call Cynthia, and she says she'll leave right away and call me from the car when she's on her way. About 15 minutes later she calls, and by then my contractions are every 1:30-2:00 minutes apart and lasting about 35-45 seconds. I can't really talk, and she says she'll send Lindsay right away (a midwife I'd never met, but she was on call that night so she was the "second" midwife for my birth).

By 2:30 my contractions were every 1:30 minutes and lasting about a minute, so I was only getting about 30 seconds break between them.  The pool still wasn't filled up, but I just HAD to get in.  I kept remembering how amazing the water was for my contractions when I was in labour with Isaiah, and I needed that relief.  So I got in. And the water didn't really ease the pain.  I kept trying different positions, but I couldn't get comfortable or find relief.  The only relief was that I got a slightly longer break between contractions.  Not much, but enough that I noticed and it was very welcome.

Shortly after getting in the pool (at 2:30) I started to feel pushy. My body was just slightly bearing down with each contraction. Justin was still running around getting our birth supplies, and eventually I asked him to rub my shoulders.  He did for about 3 contractions, I think.

Suddenly, at 3am, I had a big contraction and my body pushed like CRAZY. I put my hand down there and felt myself swelling and expanding outward, just like when I pushed with Isaiah. The contraction ended and I calmly said, "He's coming now."  There were no midwives at our house yet. After I spoke Justin stood up and I felt this shift in energy in the room, so I said, "Don't freak out."  Again, I was very calm. 

I checked myself, and I still wasn't fully dilated. I felt quite a bit of cervix still overlapping his head. I basically did a big mental shrug, because my body was pushing and there was nothing I could do about it.  It never occurred to me to be alarmed, or be worried that we were alone.  I was just like, "Alright self, let's DO THIS."

I got on my knees with one arm on the side of the pool and the other hand down below.  With the next contraction his head started coming out.  I felt his water sac break on my hand and then his head POPPED out.  Really suddenly, like an explosion.  I feel like Justin wasn't even in the room, and might have been unlocking the front door. I calmly called, "His head is out!"  I knelt there waiting for the next contraction, which came quickly and his body slipped right out.

I picked him up out of the water and brought him to my chest.  It was AMAZING.  He cried, we snuggled, and then Lindsay (second midwife) walked in the room.  She was great. Totally hands off. She just knelt beside the pool and said things like, "He looks great, nice and pink, what a good cry, way to go!"

I was so focused on his beautiful face and flying as high as a kite, so I'm not sure exactly when Cynthia arrived.  I think it was about 15-20 minutes later.  She later told me (and the other midwives in the office) that it was one of the most beautiful images she'd ever seen, walking into the room, me in the pool looking like a "goddess" holding my baby with our big fireplace behind us.  She was so disappointed to have missed the birth, but happy for me that I got to do it all myself.  She knew I had wanted a hands off birth. 

They were seriously awesome. When I had Isaiah I got rushed out of the pool within a couple of minutes.  With River they just left me alone. I probably stayed in there for 45 minutes just bonding with him, and when my cramps became too much to bear I decided to get out to make it easier to deliver the placenta (I declined the "active management" shot of pitocin that speeds the process up). I held River while everyone helped me out of the pool and onto the couch. I was shaking like a leaf from the adrenaline.  Shortly after that I delivered the placenta.  We decided to not cut the cord yet and keep River attached until we did the newborn exam, so that we could get a picture of him attached to his placenta.

At this point Cynthia and Lindsay went to the other room for awhile to do paperwork and leave us alone. They said to call us if we needed them, but they'd give us our privacy for now.  We nursed and cuddled for maybe an hour, and then I really had to go pee so I called them in to help me and to finally do the newborn exam.

River was 8lbs 9oz, and apparently he was 20.5 inches long (but by 9 days old he was 21.5 inches, and by 2 weeks he was 22 inches, so I think the original measurement was inaccurate). His head was 14 inches around (15 inches at 2 weeks).  Just like my other kids his head had no molding, because none of them spent any real time in the birth canal.  They all just shot out suddenly at the end.

The midwives were gone by about 6:15am (Cynthia came back that afternoon around 3, since River was born in the middle of the night and no one would be around when he was 24 hours old). At 6:30 I went to my room to go pee (since that's where my pads were) and Isaiah woke up while I was in there.  I said "Isaiah!  I had the baby last night!"  He said "No, you're kidding."  And I said "No, I did!  Look, my tummy is smaller!"  And he said "This is so EXCITING!!"  We went and he met his baby brother.  He was absolutely enthralled.

Noah didn't wake up until closer to 8, and he was also totally captivated.  My parents offered to take them to go somewhere that afternoon and neither of them wanted to leave because they wanted to "be with the baby."

This was honestly the most amazing, empowering, peaceful birth. I never intended to have an unassisted birth, but I'm so glad it turned out that way. I never had to do anything I didn't want to do. No one was suggesting I move to a different position, or get a cervical check, or have the heart rate monitored. I just laboured the way I wanted, doing what I wanted to do and what I felt led to do.  Justin is still amazed at how it all went, how I didn't make a big deal about any of it, I just got down to business, all calm and in control, and had a baby.  There was never any concern or panic or fear, just peace.

I do recall that I kept thinking, "F*ck, this hurts.  Labour SUCKS."  But that was literally it.  I never felt like I couldn't do it, or that it was too much for me to handle, even when contractions were right on top of each other.  I did say "I'm not getting a BREAK!!"  And I remember being annoyed that the water wasn't helping my pain.  I also remember briefly wishing I had an experienced woman there to talk soothingly to me and say things like "You're doing great, Lauren, your baby is almost here."  I knew I was fine and doing great, I just wanted that sort of female, maternal presence. But about three minutes after that thought went through my mind, River was earthside.

At birth River weighed 8lbs 9oz, 20.5 inches long (maybe), 14 inch head.

At 3 days old River weighed 8lbs 5oz.

At 5 days old he was back to birth weight, 8lbs 9oz.

At 2 weeks old he weighed 9lbs 11oz and was 22 inches long with a 15 inch head.

At 3 weeks 2 days he was 10.8lbs and 23 inches long. 

At 4 weeks old he weighed 11.4lbs.

At 1 month (4 weeks 2 days) he weighed 11.8lbs.

At 5 weeks and 2 days old he weighed 12.2lbs, 23.5 inches 

At 6 weeks he weighed 12lbs 7oz and was 24 inches long. 

Side note (not meant to overshadow the beautiful birth story):

Despite an overall great pregnancy (mindset wise) and the best possible birth experience, and being born at 40 weeks, River is INCREDIBLY colicky. He started screaming inconsolably at 16 hours old and has only gotten worse since then. The past six weeks have felt like 3 months. Life has been really difficult. Hence why it took six weeks to get this post up. And why there are no pictures. I'm posting this from my iPad while I bounce on an exercise ball with River in a wrap.  He's sleeping, thank goodness.  He spends a LOT of time screaming. 

Maybe I'll write more on that another time. 

Ultrasounds #2 and #3

I'm a bit behind.

Last week on Wednesday November 16 I had ultrasound #2.  Baby measured perfectly at 8 weeks 1 day, and the heartrate was 167.

This past week I had an ultrasound on Tuesday November 22.  Baby measured 9 weeks 1 day, and the heartrate was 180.  S/he was so much bigger.  You could see the arms and legs, and it was wiggling around.  It was so cute.  I wish we could have watched it longer, but our ultrasound tech has 20 years of experience so she's super fast.

I have another ultrasound booked for next Friday.  I'll be 10.5 weeks.  Since this past Sunday I've been finding the heartbeat really easily with the Doppler (I bought a new one), so I figured as long as I can find the heartbeat at home I could stretch it to a week and a half, which would put it right in the middle of the 3 week wait between the 9 week ultrasound and the 12 week ultrasound.

My belly is pretty big and hard to hide.  Soon I won't have to.  But I'm not really looking forward to announcing it to anyone.  I already had enough "cautious reactions" to this pregnancy and don't feel like dealing with any more of them.


Today was my due date with Shiloh.  It's a sad day here, but I'm trying not to dwell on it.

Ultrasound #1

I had my first ultrasound yesterday at 7 weeks 1 day.  I was really nervous before hand, especially considering the fact that the last time I went for an ultrasound, my baby was dead.  It went well, though.  I saw the heartbeat right away, and it clocked in at 146bpm.  The baby also measured exactly to the day s/he was supposed to, according to when I ovulated.  That was a relief, since in my last pregnancy when I went for an ultrasound at 8 weeks 3 days the baby only measured 7 weeks 4 days, and then died within a week afterward.

The baby looked weird to me.  Not that kind of peanut/kidney bean shape, but just a strange triangle shape the whole time. It was weird.  But of course I'll be concerned about anything.

I still don't feel confident, so the doctor booked me in for another ultrasound next week.  She said I might as well come in every week if that is what's going to help me manage my anxiety about this.  I was hemming and hawing because I didn't want to seem crazy, I wanted to be a reasonable person who can go weeks between ultrasounds.  But she clearly saw that probably wouldn't be a great decision for me, so she booked me in and told me I could always cancel it if I want to.


As for symptoms... my breasts are bigger, and they hurt more now than they did a week and a half ago.  I can't feel my uterus much these days because it's not contracting a lot like it did at the beginning (the same thing happened in my other pregnancies at this point), but my belly is stupidly huge for 7 weeks (as usual).  I am so tired.  And I'm not as sick as a dog like I was in my first two pregnancies, but I have definite food aversions (to things I usually love) and gross icky feelings, and sometimes have full on nausea.  It's completely tolerable at this point, though.

My resting heart rate has gone all the way down to 64, from when it was 74 shortly after I got pregnant.  That is so weird to me because it is the opposite of what is supposed to happen - your heartrate is supposed to go up at this point in pregnancy and stay up.  And last time it was a bad sign.  But last time my heartrate went down once the baby died, and this time it's been going down for the past 3 weeks and everything is fine so far, so I guess it's just a weird fluke.

Betas

Here are the betas from my 4th pregnancy:

168 - 14 DPO  (October 18)
226 - 15 DPO  (October 19)
362 - 16 DPO  (October 20)
932 - 18 DPO  (October 22)
2008 - 20 DPO  (October 24)
6441 - 23 DPO  (October 27)

I've had so many done because I'm super nervous.  My heart rate originally went up to 74 when I got pregnant, but has decreased over the past 2 weeks to 65 today.  This worries me because it was one of the signs of my missed miscarriage last time - my heart rate started decreasing at exactly the time my baby died.  My betas were going up properly during the first week that y heart rate was decreasing, so I stopped doing them.  But it's gone down by 3bpm since then and is now way lower than it was before I got pregnant (normal for me is 60-65, but when I was so ill this summer my resting heart rate went up to somewhere in the 80's and never recovered back to normal.  Before pregnancy it was 69-71 normally).

I'm 6 weeks 2 days today and don't really have any nausea.  I feel like I'm getting carsick easier, and I have periods where I feel icky, and I'm having some mild food aversions sometimes, but nothing that really screams "pregnancy symptoms!!" at me. 

My breasts have grown and are somewhat sore, but it's also not unbearable.

I'm super hungry all the time and I'm watching what and how much I eat (I have to eat Paleo because it helps control my autoimmune disease, and grains cause it to flare, so it's not like I can pig out on refined carbohydrates all day like I kind of did in my first two pregnancies to help control hunger and nausea).  But I have a weakness for chocolate and I'm put on a few pounds recently, possibly as a result of too many chocolate covered almonds.  My weight was still low after my flare up, so I can afford a few extra pounds, and I don't mind gaining weight for a good cause.  But I would really rather not gain a bunch of weight and end up with no baby like I did last time.  Carrying extra weight after dealing with a miscarriage is just a pickle on top of a huge crap sandwich.

They say every pregnancy is different but I just can't buy into that for my personal situation.  My two successful pregnancies were very similar, and it was my unsuccessful pregnancy that was different and easier.  I guess I'm just so nervous something is going to go wrong, I just want to be miserably pregnant.  I want all the signs and symptoms to be torturing me so that I feel like everything is okay.  Because my last pregnancy was the time that symptoms weren't torturing me.  The symptoms were mild, and it turned out to be a very bad sign for me.

I know there's still time for the nausea to come.  I was super sick at this point in my pregnancy with Noah, but it wasn't terrible at this point in my pregnancy with Isaiah.  It was pretty bad by 7 weeks, so I still have "time" to get bad.

My ultrasound is in 6 days.  My main goal in life right now is to try to not think about it, to not dwell on the anxiety. There's nothing I can do to change the outcome.

Why I've Been Absent

I haven't blogged in over 6 months.  There are a lot of reasons for that. 

My last post was about finding my baby's heartbeat at 8 weeks 2 days.  The next day I had an ultrasound.  Everything was "fine", the heartbeat was great, but the baby was only measuring 7 weeks 4/5 days.  I WAS 8 weeks 3 days.  I knew the exact day that I ovulated (I always do).  The only day we had sex that whole month was the day before.  The next day my husband got sick, then I got really sick.  There's no way my husband's infertile sperm lasted an entire week until I ovulated, and if I was only 7 weeks 4 days then there's no way I would have gotten a positive pregnancy test when I did.  It would have meant I got a positive HPT at only 4 or 5 days after ovulation.  Impossible.

I was immediately concerned.  I was concerned that my baby was dying, and the growth had slowed down because of that. But I tried to convince myself that there is a margin of error depending on who is doing the measuring, and MAYBE I ovulated a day later than I thought, and MAYBE the baby grew just a wee bit slow, and if you combine those things with the ultrasound tech measuring too small, MAYBE it would add up to me measuring 5-6 days behind.

I didn't have any other choice but to try and justify this to myself.  Doctors never listen to patients.

After the ultrasound I was never able to find the heartbeat with my own Doppler again.  There was one day, maybe the day after, that I found what sounded like a fetal heartbeat (you know how the sound is very different and distinct compared to the other sounds you pick up with a Doppler?).  But it was too slow.  I remember thinking "I really hope that isn't my baby's heartbeat, because if it is, it is way too slow and my baby really is dying..."

At 9 weeks and 1 day all my symptoms basically disappeared.  My constant feeling of icky mild nausea was gone.  My extreme hunger was basically gone. 

My Fitbit showed that my resting heart rate, which had gone up by about 10bpm starting after implantation, slowly started decreasing back to my pre-pregnancy rate.

My uterus stopped growing.  I could feel it, and it never got any bigger after 8 weeks.

I had a midwife appointment at 9 weeks and 3 days. I explained all my fears to her, and told her maybe I was just crazy and overanalyzing everything, but I was pretty sure my baby was dead.  My midwife didn't actually think anything was wrong with me, but she sent a requisition for me to get an ultrasound the next week.

Unfortunately the fucking ultrasound department refused to book it until I was 12 weeks.

So I walked around with extreme anxiety for 3 weeks.  Extreme anxiety.  Everybody kept telling me everything was fine, I was overanalyzing, every pregnancy is different, blah blah blah.  Typing this out I still want to go back and punch them all in their faces.  Everyone was constantly trying to shut me down as I tried to talk about my fears and anxiety.

I spent three weeks knowing my baby was dead, but trying to convince myself I was crazy.  Three extra weeks loving my baby and imagining what our life would be like with him, but at the same time having intense fear that he was already taken away from us.

Friday, May 13 was the day of my 12 week ultrasound.  It is also my sister's birthday, and I remember thinking when he ultrasound was booked that I should try and change it because I was forever going to associate my sister's birthday with finding out my baby was dead.  For some reason, I just left it.  I think I was just frozen with fear and denial. 

That morning my husband was so worried.  He finally was taking me seriously, which made me even more anxious.  I tried to tell him I was probably crazy, and maybe everything was fine.

It was a long wait for the ultrasound.  When the tech came to get me she asked how I was, and I told her how anxious I was because I was pretty sure my baby had died three weeks ago.  She also thought I was wrong.

She started the ultrasound, and thankfully she had the screen in a position so I could see it (a lot of techs tilt it so much away from you that you can't see no matter how awkwardly you position yourself).  When the image popped up I immediately thought "I hope that is just a picture of the top of his head."  As she moved things around more, I knew for sure.  There was no heartbeat.  There were no arms and legs.  There was no movement.

After a couple of minutes I said, "That doesn't look good."  She said the baby was only measuring 7 weeks 3 days, and there was no heartbeat.

I always thought I'd be one of those people who wouldn't believe it, who would want weeks of follow up ultrasounds to make sure the baby really wasn't growing.

But I've had enough ultrasounds.  I can recognize a heartbeat without it being pointed out to me.  I know what a baby is supposed to look like at each stage.  I could see for myself my baby was dead.  My baby had died right after my last ultrasound, just like I had thought, just like I knew for the last 3 weeks.

You'd think the fact that I already knew it had happened would prepare me, but it didn't.  I was absolutely shattered.  And I still carry some anger toward the stupid fucking system that doesn't listen to women and doesn't believe the ones who know their bodies and made me walk around with a dead baby inside of me for 3 weeks, living in a horrible anxious terrified limbo.  Where I knew but I didn't know.  Those 3 weeks made the experience so much worse.

As soon as I saw for sure my baby was dead, I wanted it out of me.  I loved that baby with all my heart, but I couldn't have it inside of me anymore.  This was another thing that surprised me.  I had always feared miscarriage in the past, so I'd thought about these scenarios.  I never thought I'd be in such a hurry to not be pregnant anymore.

There were complications in that I was seeing midwives, and they don't have anything to do with a missed miscarriage.  They don't medically manage any of that.  So I had to be referred to the on call OB.  I had the choice to meet her in the morning at the hospital in Labour and Delivery, or wait until Monday and see her in her office.  I chose L&D on Saturday morning.

My meeting with her was... well, she didn't really give a shit about what I had gone through during the past month, how the system ignored me, etc etc.  I was just another woman who doesn't know her own body.  Anyway, I was given the choice between taking Misoprostal (an induction drug) at home, or waiting until the following Thursday or so and having a D&C.

Being that I hate doing things the medical/surgical/invasive way, I elected to take the Misoprostal.

It was fucking hell.  It was the worst labour I'd ever gone through.  My labour with Noah was an induction that lasted 5 hours, and it was 3 times worse than my labour with Isaiah, which lasted 52 hours.  I had no drugs with either of my babies.  This labour was just as painful as my induction, if not more, but it took 12 HOURS of extreme pain before I finally birthed the baby and placenta at 1am on at 15.  I was in completely and utter panic.  I was overdosing on every possible pain pill I had available to me, and nothing helped until my Dad brought me two leftover oxy's from a surgery he had had.  They calmed things down by like 10%, just enough to make me feel less panicked.

Seriously, the pain was so bad that if I could have gotten to the hospital (which I couldn't because I was in too much pain to get in any vehicle), I would have begged for a hysterectomy to make it stop.

12 hours of complete agony, all for a dead baby.

I spent May and June in a state of intense mourning.  I had retained tissue that didn't show up on ultrasound, and my miscarriage made me bleed for 26 days.  It took along time for the tissue to finally make its way out of my body (it was stuck in my cervix for a long time).  As soon as I stopped bleeding, I ovulated within a few days, and just 7 days after I ovulated I got the heaviest period of my life.  It lasted 12 days, and was way heavier than my miscarriage.

To make matters even more wonderful, the hormones from my miscarriage, the medications taken to induce it, the medications taken to try to control the pain, and the uncontrollable grief that followed, caused the perfect storm inside my body.  I ended up with a severe flare of my autoimmune disease, ulcerative colitis.  It got slowly worse throughout May and June, and by July I was literally dying.  I lost 35lbs altogether, 25lbs of which I lost in just 3 weeks (I am thin to begin with so I ended up underweight and sickly skinny from this).  I was losing 3 cups of blood a day.  Putting anything on my tongue, no matter how tiny, made me gag and throw up.  I couldn't stand, I could barely get to the toilet (26 times a day, just to let out blood).  I couldn't read or watch TV.  I didn't have the energy to do anything except lay in bed with my eyes closed.  For weeks. I couldn't even sit propped up by pillows.  My heart rate was through the roof.  Even rolling over in bed would shoot my heart rate up to 120 and it would take an hour for it to calm down.  My heart would pound so hard it shook my whole body. 

I felt SO terrible.  I thought I was going to die and it was terrifying.  I didn't want to leave my children motherless.

My specialist was wonderful and got me on the right medications in the middle of July (I'd been to the ER twice before then and the medications they prescribed me didn't help, I just kept getting worse).  She also forced me to eat what I could, no matter how unhealthy it was, and to get out of bed as much as I could, no matter how terrible I felt.  I remember thinking "You clearly have no idea how I'm feeling right now."  Like, I couldn't even lean over to get a drink off my bedside table.  And putting food in my mouth made me vomit.  I had no appetite and didn't want to eat ANYTHING.  How was I supposed to get out of bed and eat?  But I tried.

It took along time, and my efforts were pitiful at first.  Eating a few chunks of watermelon.  Drinking an Ensure.  Limping bent over to get to the couch instead of staying in bed.  I started trying to spend an hour each day sitting outside under a tree instead of just being inside all the time.  By the end of July I could finally sit propped up part of the time, and I started to crochet.  I spent a lot of time meditating and thinking positively to try and control my anxiety, as stress has a large influence on autoimmune disease.

I slowly got better during August, and by the beginning of September I was mostly normal and in remission.  I'm extremely thankful that I'm still alive and able to parent my children again.  Justin was on summer vacation (he's a teacher) during the two months that I was at my worst, and I'm so grateful for how those two things coincided.


I couldn't bring myself to write about any of this before now.  Since getting deathly ill I've been trying very hard to stay positive and grateful.  I feel like I've rewired the way I think.  I'm still very sad about losing my baby, and it still makes me cry, but the difference is that now I have the tools to acknowledge but not dwell on those feelings, and to focus on all the good things in my life (of which I have many).

This has been more challenging in the last short while.  This seems like a weird way to bring this up (at the end of a post like this), but almost two weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant again.  I am a little over 5 weeks.  I want this baby so badly, but I have constant anxiety that something is going to go wrong again.  I am due at the end of June, but I can't seem to get to the point where I think I will ACTUALLY have a baby at the end of June.

I was always very afraid of having a miscarriage, especially in my first pregnancy.  I was never one of those naive, blissfully pregnant people.  I always was afraid something would go wrong.  But now something HAS gone wrong, and now I'm in a place where I just can't seem to feel like there's a possibility of it going right.  I feel like I'm just waiting for the bad part to come, so I can try and deal with it (and hopefully not almost die from my autoimmune disease again).

After my miscarriage I made an appointment with my fertility clinic in June.  I wanted to be a patient of theirs immediately, so that I would have their monitoring available to me no matter how we ended up getting pregnant (IF we got pregnant).  We had a plan to do IUIs this summer (we would have been able to do three before Justin went back to school), but I got sick, so it all got put on the back burner.  Then, my first normal cycle (my cycle was extremely messed up this summer from being so ill and also being on prednisone, which shuts down your adrenals), the first time we've had sex since June, we get pregnant.  It's madness.  How did we spend 8 years trying to get pregnant every month, having to do fertility treatments to have our two living children, and then suddenly in 2016 we get pregnant naturally twice.  Twice in a ROW, really.

I got my betas done 5 times, and they've all doubled in less than 48 hours.  I forced myself to not go again today, but I might go on Friday.  My uterus is quite swollen and I can feel it.  I'm ridiculously bloated (like I have been in all my pregnancies).  I'm a little more hungry, a little more tired.  Nothing major going on yet. 

I have an early ultrasound booked for November 9, two weeks from now.  I don't think it'll make me feel much better, though, since my last baby didn't actually die until after I had had at ultrasound at 8 weeks 3 days.  I think if I made it to 9 or 10 weeks and had an ultrasound where the baby was measuring appropriately I would feel a little better.  Logically that makes no sense, because things could still go wrong after that point.  But I think it's normal for people to just not feel at all comfortable until after they passed the point at which their last baby died.


So really, this is why I finally wrote about my horrible experiences in the last 6 months.  Because I'm pregnant again.  While I'd like to ignore it and hardly think about it (because I have a tendency to obsess about the fact that I'm pregnant and it makes things go soooo slowly), if this pregnancy goes well and I actually have a child at the end of it, I'm going to wish I had recorded things like I did for my first three pregnancies.

8 Weeks 2 Days - Heartbeat!

I found the heartbeat this morning!  It was the exact same process as it was when I was pregnant with Isaiah: I looked for it for days, knowing I probably wouldn't find it yet, and then at 8 weeks 2 days I found it!  I think it's a funny coincidence that I found it at 8 weeks 2 days both times (I didn't have a Doppler with Noah's pregnancy).

I found it a few times.  The first time I thought I was recording it, but it turned out my phone was out of storage.  I tried to find it again after I made some room on my phone.  It took awhile, and at one point I gave up and wiped all the gel off my belly.  Then I was like "Whatever, I'm trying again."  And I found it after a few minutes.  I got it recorded that time!  I was afraid to even breathe because it's so easy to lose it at this point because the heart is so tiny.  But I recorded it for about a minute.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound, so I'll go into it far less nervous than I might have been otherwise.

As for other symptoms:

-I am not nearly as sick as I was with Noah and Isaiah, but I feel like garbage a lot of the time.  With my other pregnancies, especially Noah's, I felt like I was 2 seconds away from throwing up at all times. If I even turned my head to the side my stomach would lurch.  I was useless.  I was similarly ill with Isaiah, but it was better controlled by the Diclectin (which I was also on with Noah, but I took more when Isaiah's pregnancy so it worked better).  With this pregnancy, I almost always have that feeling I get before I get the stomach flu, where I'm like "Huh... I feel really gross... I feel like I'm going to wake up at 1am puking my guts out."  So it's like a constant mild nausea.  But it's tolerable.  I can still function.  I just can't do much extra functioning.  I don't want to move around too much, so I'm not lifting weights or going for walks or doing any of that normal stuff I was doing everyday before I was pregnant.

-My body is already being stupid.  I spent two days with a leg that really hurt, then 4 days with a foot that really hurt, then 3 days with a hip that hurt so bad I could barely walk.  I didn't do anything to hurt myself for any of those things.

-My pubic bones hurts a bit (it started hurting at 5 weeks), but it's not bad.  Sometimes I don't feel the discomfort, other times I do.  I'm being careful about how I move, though.  No more lunges.

-I'm insanely, painfully hungry at all times.  It's awful how hungry I am.  I have tried to keep things under control and not overeat too much, but I've still gained 8 lbs in 4 weeks.  I've realized that as much as I try not to, it is my lot in life to gain crazy amounts of weight in the first trimester.  It's happened every time.  Yesterday was the first day I wasn't in extreme discomfort from hunger all day, and it's because I ate leftover pizza for breakfast, and pizza at my parents' for lunch.  So maybe I should just eat pizza for all my meals.  I'd probably actually end up netting less calories that way than I currently am, because nothing else fills me up.

-I'm peeing all the time.  That started sometime after 6 weeks.  And it's the "I really have to pee right now!" thing, and then when you go there's not nearly as much pee as it felt like there would be.

-I'm hating chicken.  I always cook up big batches of chicken breasts and keep them in my fridge so I have heathy protein to eat all the time, but I can't stomach that chicken now.  I can't stand the seasonings I always use on it (which I usually love), and I can't think of any other way to prepare it with the stuff I have on hand.  Or even the stuff I could buy at the store. 

-My boobs still hurt.

-My belly is still big.  I don't have an 8 week picture, but this one is from 7 weeks 4 days.

I've been hiding it with  cardigans (to hide the side view) paired with thick, long infinity scarves, but it's not working great anymore.  I can hide it with one of Justin's hoodies (he's way bigger than me), but we're finally getting warm weather here and I'm not going to be able to keep wearing scarves and hoodies.

I wouldn't mind people knowing, especially now that I've found the heartbeat, but I'm just actually embarrassed by how big I get so quickly.  I don't look forward to the "How far along are you?" questions and having to answer with such a low number.  And people think "Holy crap, how many oreos did you eat?!"  I feel shame.  Haha.  Why does this happen to me?

I think there's a few other things I could mention, but I can't remember them now and I need to move on with my day!

6 Weeks 4 Days

I'm in my paranoid phase.

I'm not sick yet.  My uterus is contracting less, so I can't feel it as easily as I could last week. (It's about halfway to my belly button when I CAN feel it.)

Basically I'm convinced the baby has died. I'm glad I documented my previous pregnancies so well, because this is exactly what I felt at this exact point in my pregnancy with Isaiah. For these exact same reasons.  At least my crazy is consistent.

My ultrasound isn't until April 18, which is almost 2 weeks away. That was the soonest they would give me one. They wanted me to be 9 weeks, so I went by my last menstrual period so I would be "9 weeks," even though according to when I ovulated I'll be 8 weeks 3 days.

I'm in that ridiculous phase where I WANT to get nauseous so I'll feel like my pregnancy is progressing normally.  I recognize that is nuts, but I just need some reassurance. People keep saying "Maybe you won't get sick this time."  But that seems improbable, considering how sick I was in my previous two pregnancies.

This morning the thought of eating eggs grossed me out, and I eat eggs every morning.  My gag reflex is maybe slightly more sensitive.

I'm finally at the INTENSELY HUNGRY stage. I was hungry before now, but as of last night, I'm at the stage where I have to eat in the middle of the night because the hunger is so intense and painful.

Also I'm dealing with a lot of low blood pressure/low blood sugar symptoms. I frequently feel light headed, I'm often dizzy, and I get shaky and weak if I don't have enough food in my system.  I always have low blood pressure (normal for me is about 90/60), so the dizziness I normally have is even worse.

Somehow I've got to make it through the next two weeks without constantly thinking that my baby died.

Ok I have to run and make dinner.  I didn't realize how late it was.