Well, That Was Awkward

I was talking to my Mom on the phone briefly tonight to plan something for tomorrow.  She was telling me how she and my Dad had a nice time yesterday while babysitting my three nephews.  Then she told me how she spanked Josiah.

Awkward silence.

I am the first to admit that Josiah can be a serious pain in the ass.  He screams and cries constantly.  I would go crazy if he was my child.  Then again, I honestly think that if he was my child he might not be so freaking annoying.  I haven't really agreed with the way my brother and sister-in-law have dealt with him from the time he was a newborn, and I think their "methods" may have made things a lot worse.  I'm not going to get into all that, though.

Apparently Josiah is obsessed with farm machinery, and kept running after the riding lawn mower and plow while my Dad and brother were using them.  He wouldn't listen to my mom when she kept getting him and telling him not to.  He's not quite 20 months old, and I'm sure many parents who have had a 20 month old know exactly what that stage is like... they don't necessarily understand that they have to obey.  Noah went through that stage for a few months, and it was infuriating.  However, it pretty much ended when we started time outs at 16 months.

Obviously this is not safe.  I get that.

My Mom said how she "had" to spank him, how she tried everything else first.

I had to call bullshit.  I said there were plenty of other things she could have done, but that she didn't utilize those things because that's how she parents.

As kids, we got spanked.  Not a lot, not all the time, but we did.  And when I think back to each and every time I got spanked or saw my siblings getting spanked, I can name several things my parents could have done to handle that situation without hitting their children.  And those things would have been just as, or almost as, effective.  The spanking always happened because they were pissed.

I told her she should have taken him inside.  She said she was taking him inside, and he was screaming and kicking and she wasn't going to put up with that, so she spanked him.

I can understand being so angry and frustrated in a situation that you want to lash out.  However, that doesn't mean you should.  I have experienced times that I've been so mad at a fellow adult that I literally wanted to hit them, but I never would.  It's called self-control.

I am not saying I'm a perfect parent.  I certainly am not.  I am ashamed to admit that there have been a couple of times in Noah's life that I've been angry, frustrated, frazzled, and at the end of my rope and haven't known what to do and I've swatted him.  These occurrences have always been when I am also stressed and angry about something else, and when my husband has been gone too much and I haven't had enough support.

And each time I have felt absolutely terrible.  It keeps me up at night feeling sick to my stomach.  It makes me feel like an absolutely horrible parent, and I immediately knew that there was no reason I had to do what I did, and there would have been much better options for handling the situation.  Even thinking/writing about it now makes me feel ill.

I was never that anti-spanking before I had my own child.  I didn't think it was a good thing, and I thought it should be a last resort, but I didn't have really strong feelings about it.  However, after having my own child, I really can't agree with it.  In pretty much any situation.

And see, the thing is that my mom was not at all apologetic.  She was defensive, but not in an insecure way.  She said she would do it again in a heartbeat.

Uhh, yeah, more awkward silence.

I really didn't know what to say.  I did say, "You realize you are absolutely not allowed to spank my child, right?"  But beyond that, it was just awkward silence.

And now I feel like I've lost some confidence in her.  I never thought she would spank my kid(s), and she said she wouldn't, but the fact that she spanked another one of her grandchildren and was completely unapologetic about it?  It makes me less comfortable leaving my kids with her.  Especially at this young age where Noah probably wouldn't report back to me what happened to him.

Noah is really well behaved.  At this stage in his life he almost never behaves in a way that someone would think he'd need a spanking.  But, he's two.  Two year olds can be kind of unpredictable, and you never know if they're going to have a meltdown over something.  Noah's meltdowns are few and far between.  I can't even remember the last time he had one.  But obviously it's not out of the question - he's a toddler.

And now I'm reminded of just exactly why I don't like leaving him with people.  Other people are not you.  Other people deal with your children differently than you do.  If you aren't there, you literally have no control over what they're doing.  And honestly, you never really know what's happening.

I have never left Noah with anyone but my parents.  I felt like this was the best, safest option.  But I wasn't even comfortable with the idea of one of Noah's grandparents speaking too harshly toward him while they're babysitting him.  I have actually corrected my mother in law for being unnecessarily stern and scaring Noah.  Now I have to worry that one of them might spank him if he happens to have a random toddler meltdown moment?  I don't think a non-family-member would ever do that, but now that I think about it, maybe a grandparent might feel a bit too much like a "parent", since it's their child's child they're dealing with.  And therefore, they might feel like they can discipline however they see fit.

Seriously, if one of our parents ever spanked one of my kids, they would never ever babysit again.

I feel so unsettled.