A Newborn's Conversation With God

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."


God said, "You will simply call her, 'Mom.'"

Just So Thankful

After going through infertility, I feel like I am more thankful for my child than some other people I know who can take their fertility for granted.  Yes, I have my frustrations with parenthood sometimes.  Because let's face it - it's not always easy.  But I am by far the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, and there's really nothing I would want to change.

If going through infertility weren't enough to keep me thankful for my wonderful, healthy son, there are so many situations that occur in my circle of friendships that help renew my thankfulness:

-When a friend experiences a miscarriage.

-When friends continue to try to conceive their miracle baby, but can't.  I remember all too well how devastating it is to go through that, not knowing if you will ever be pregnant or have any child at all, through any means.

-When a friend is hospitalized in early pregnancy because of complications, even though she has a 5 year old and 10 month old at home.

-When a friend has a premature baby who needs to spend time in the NICU.


-When a friend makes it to 36 weeks, and discovers that her baby has died.  She has to go through an induction, labour, and birth of a stillborn son who they'd been dreaming of and waiting for.  And even though they knew he had died, they kept thinking during the whole labour that when he was born, it would all be a mistake and he would be alive.


And of course, little Bronson.  Tonight he will get his third dose of chemo, the last one until the next round in 3 weeks.  It has caused his tiny body to swell up and bloat and has not improved his situation so far.  I know he is too little to actually understand anything, but I really pray that he is too little to even have any concept of what is going on around him.  I pray he doesn't feel any pain or discomfort, or loneliness.  This poor little boy should not be alone in a bed, unable to breathe on his own, unable to be held by his loving parents, hooked up to so many wires and tubes, with his body ravaged by cancer.  I pray that God is just taking away any sense of fear, confusion, and pain from that tiny baby.  I know he can't take it all away from his parents, his family, and their friends.  But I hope and pray he can spare Bronson from those feelings.

My heart is so heavy for my friend.  My tears fall for her often, and I know I'm not the only one.  I don't think I make it through an hour without stopping to pray for that 6 day old boy, and for strength for his parents to make it through this impossible situation. 

And there hasn't been a second that I've stopped thinking about how blessed we are to have our little boy, healthy and safe, at home in our loving arms.

Baby Bronson

A friend of mine, Angela, had a baby boy early this past week.  She has a little girl, Kallie, who is just 3 weeks older than Noah, and then had a surprise pregnancy shortly after she was born.  The kids were born less than 15 months apart.

Baby Bronson was born 2.5 weeks early, and was almost immediately air lifted to Sick Kids hospital in Toronto.  Angela and Jon couldn't even hold him until he was a couple of days old.  They had no idea what was wrong with him, but foremost among his problems was a liver 4x the normal size, and not functioning properly.  He has been on and off the vent, and has had the top doctors in the country on his case, trying to figure out what was wrong with him.  For a few days no one could fit his symptoms with a diagnosis. 

Yesterday morning he had a bone marrow biopsy, and while the tests came back inconclusive, the top children's oncologist in Canada is almost certain he has bilateral neuroblastoma, a cancer.  Apparently there are only 45 such cases in the entire world.  They started him on chemotherapy last night.

My heart breaks for Angela and Jon, and for little baby Bronson.  This should not be happening.  No baby should be born with cancer, forced to live hooked up to machines to who knows how long, and be started on chemo at 4 days old.  Everytime I think of them my stomach aches and my eyes tear. 

Please keep them in your prayers.  Here is a link to a note about Bronson that is frequently updated.  And here is a link to a facebook group dedicated to Bronson.  This family needs a lot of prayer.  Many of you know what it is like to have your baby in the NICU, and obviously this is not your usual NICU case.


I can only imagine how hard it is for them to be going through this.  My heart was breaking for them even before Bronson's cancer diagnosis came.  I just can't imagine giving birth to what I thought was going to be a completely healthy baby, and then not even get to hold him for days.  I can't imagine having my little boy living in the NICU hooked up to machines, and all I can do is touch his hand.  I can't imagine not being able to constantly cuddle and nurse my newborn baby.

This situation has made me so nervous to have more children.  We were so blessed with Noah, to have a perfectly healthy and happy delivery with no complications.  I never had to let my baby out of my arms or my sight.  And Noah has been perfectly healthy ever since (11 illnesses in 10 months notwithstanding... they were nothing compared to this).  To think of having another baby, and the chances of things not going as smoothly as they did with Noah... it scares me.  I never want to watch my child be in pain, confused by what's happening around him, wondering why he's not in his warm womb and not having the replacement of his Mommy's loving, warm arms instead.  I honestly can't imagine what kind of strength it takes to get through that.

I know far more babies are born healthy than not.  But it still makes me nervous to test it. 

Please, please keep baby Bronson and his parents in your prayers. 

Worst Bathtime EVER (and 1 year appointment)

oh. my. gosh.

That was, without a doubt, the worst bathtime EVER.

Noah was screaming like he was possessed by demons.  Like he was being tortured. He was clinging to me so tight, wrapping his arms around my neck and his legs around my body, burying his head into my neck. It was AWFUL.

I felt terrible, but he really needed a bath. He didn't have one yesterday, and he had sunscreen all over his face, arms, legs, and in his hair. He really needed a bath.  After we got him out Justin had to moisturize him as best he could as his clung to me like a little monkey, crying his head off.

Getting his diaper on was also awful.  He would not let go of my neck. It was hard enough to get him on the change table because he was trying so hard to wrap his legs around my body. I laid him down and leaned over top of him so he could keep hugging me tight, and Justin desitined his bum and tried to diaper him. A few times Noah pushed me away so he could desperately sign to nurse, and then he'd pull me back in. If I could have I would have nursed him while he was lying on the table, but he still needed his pajamas on, and they and his sleepsack were lying on our bed, where I always nurse him at bedtime.

It was awful. I hope that never happens again.  He did conk out while I was nursing him, though.  Maybe he was really overtired, leftover from yesterday.
 

~~~~~~~~~

 
Today was also Noah's 12 month doctor's appointment.  What's that you say?  He's almost 14 months old?
 
I know.  But Noah was sick 3 times in the month after he turned 1, and I didn't want to take him to the doctor and to get shots when he was sick.  Then today was the soonest I could get in.
 
My doctor's office opens back up after lunch at 2pm, but I couldn't get an appointment until 2:30 (if I wanted a 2pm appointment I couldn't get in until a full week later). Since they should only be booking 2 people every 15 minutes, it'd be ridiculous if they were already running very behind at 2:30, right?  Well, I waited in the waiting room for 45 minutes, and then again in the exam room for 10 minutes.

Unfortunately, Noah was in a crappy mood before we even left our house.  He did fine while we waited in the waiting room, since there were a bunch of old people paying attention to him.  But once we got into the exam room Noah was pissed off, and all he wanted to do was leave.   He kept trying to get out the door. He cried when the nurse tried to measure his height, and cried when she measured his head. Then when the doctor came in Noah was all "Get the heck away from me," and cried with everything he did. Listening to his chest, checking his ears... forget the shots. He has never cried like that.

Noah is not a crybaby.  He often doesn't cry at all when he gets hurt.  If he does cry, it's not normally for very long.  But he was so upset about these shots.  I held him while he got them, and he would occasionally look at the doctor accusingly, with giant tears running down his face, but the rest of the time he spent clinging to me, head buried in my neck, crying his eyes out. 

He was so upset that I nursed him afterward.  It was the first time he needed it after shots.  All his other shots he cried for about 30 seconds after just the second shot, but not at all after the first one.  Not this time.  He was still kind of crying while I was nursing him afterward. And he didn't show any signs of popping off the boob. The doctor had been gone a couple of minutes, and finally I said, "Noah, do you want to go home?" He grunted while he was nursing, to mean yes, and so I said "Well, if you stop nursing we can go home and see Daddy." So he popped off and pointed to the door, and we were out of there. It was our worst doctor's appointment ever.

Today has not been a wonderful day for that poor little guy.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Mother's Day, 2011

I love Mother's Day.  And I love that I love Mother's Day, now.  After experiencing infertility, and the awful dread of this day in May, it is wonderful to be able to participate in a day in which everybody celebrates Mothers.

I love being a Mom.  I feel like nobody could love being a mom more than me.  Logically I know this is probably not true, but I just love it that much that it feels like it could be true.  I don't need one day to celebrate being a mom, but this one day sure does feel special to me.

On the morning of Mother's Day 2011, my 13.5 month old Noah handed me a Mother's Day card.  Adorable:)  My gift, a personalized Noah necklace from The Vintage Pearl, is en route.  After hurrying to get ready, we went to church, then spent the day at my parents' house with all of my siblings.  Noah had a fantastic day, despite only having one half hour nap all day long.

I don't often write about details of my days.  I think since my readership has "grown" I am more guarded about what I write about.  There are a lot of boring details (not boring to me, but probably boring to others) I would like to remember that I don't blog about, because I feel like every blog post needs to be an "event" now, instead of just my life.  This makes it so that I write less, which I don't like.  I am going to try and get over this.  And I'm starting here, since Mother's Day is a big deal in my little world, and I'd like to remember the details.

So the nap thing.  Noah woke up at 7:45am, and finally at 1:15pm we had to leave my parents for a bit to go for a drive so he would hopefully fall asleep. Elijah and Josiah were using both cribs, so there wasn't even a chance of that happening (although it's very unlikely he would sleep in someone else's crib), and Noah wouldn't fall asleep when I tried to nurse him. He'd been awake for 5.5 hours. He fell asleep on the drive, but only slept half an hour. So he only had one half hour nap the whole day.

He was really good though. Everyone was impressed with him in church. I nursed him a couple of times and fed him mum mums, so he was good. He was at the end of his patience by the end of the 25 minute sermon, but then it was over, thankfully. Our services are a minimum of 75 minutes long. I wish it was just an hour. But Noah did well anyway.

He was especially so good compared to Elijah and Josiah (my nephews). They were SO whiney and shrieky all day. Noah was a total angel. And he just wanted to keep hugging and kissing Josiah, who's 7 months old.  Like I said a couple of days ago, he is just so sweet.  Unfortunately, Josiah was FREAKING OUT like Noah was trying to kill him. But anytime I touched Noah's arms to check his hold, it was clear that Noah was being soooo gentle. He wasn't squeezing him or anything. At one point Noah cried because Josiah was screaming so much and he just wanted to hug and kiss him. It was so cute and sad. And Noah cried/pouted a couple of times when Elijah hurt him by slamming his fingers in toys. But he had a really good day.

We put him in his pajamas before we left and he fell asleep 5 minutes from home. I could have just taken him out of his carseat and put him in his bed. When I took him out and laid him on his sleepsack and put his arms through and zipped him up he stayed compeltely asleep. When I picked him up to nurse him he kind of grimaced and made a small pouting noise, but didn't wake up. I easily could have just put him in the crib, but I didn't want to be too full overnight, so I wanted him to nurse from at least the one side.  He did, and was in bed after about 5 minutes.

Before I Was a Mom

Before I was a Mom:

I made and ate hot meals;

I had unstained clothing;

I wore makeup every day;

I had quiet conversations on the phone;

I slept as late as I wanted and I slept all night long.


Before I was a Mom:

My house was always clean and tidy;

I never tripped over toys or sang lullabies;

I didn't worry whether or not my floor cleaner was poisonous;

I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on, or pinched by tiny fingers.


Before I was a Mom:

I never looked into teary eyes and cried;

I had never so badly wished I could take another person's pain;

I never felt my heart break into pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt;

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.


Before I was a Mom:

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down;

I never sat up late hours of the night watching a baby sleep;

I never got up in the middle of the night to make sure everything was okay;

I didn't know how special it could feel to nurse a hungry baby.


Before I was a Mom:

I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts and my body;

I didn't know that having something so small could make me feel so important;

I didn't know the weight and the pure joy of being the most significant person in a tiny being's life;

I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment, or the satisfaction of being a mom.


Before I was a Mom:

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much;

I didn't know the bond between a Mother and her child;

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much;

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside of my body;

I never knew that I could love someone so much.


Before I was a Mom:

I never understood that you could love someone so much you would truly give your life for them, without even a second thought.


Happy Mother's Day to all of the Mommy's out there!

And to all those who have yet to become Moms in the way that society recognizes, my heart truly does ache for you.  I pray that all your dreams will come true soon.  And in my eyes you are all mothers, waiting for your children.

Such a Sweet Boy

Noah is such a sweet little boy.  I know this, but when we spend time around other kids it often becomes even more glaringly obvious.  On Monday we were at a playdate with my good friend Trista and her son Colton.  Noah and Colton are opposites in almost every way they could possibly be opposites, including their personalities.  Colton is a nice boy, but Noah and Colton are at opposite ends of the spectrum of sweet and gentle to crazy and wild.  Colton was running around, being rough, smacking Noah on the head over and over (BAM BAM BAM BAM!)... Noah just kept looking at him like, "Why in the world are you doing this...?"

Here are just a few examples of Noah's sweetness:

-He hugs now.  Like really hugs.  Gripping my shoulders, burying his head into my neck, and just loving all over me.  I love how his hugs are grippy and tight now:)

-Right now we have this random picture of Justin and I from when we were dating floating around in our kitchen.  When we let Noah hold it, he smiles and then "hugs" the picture by bringing it up to his cheek.

-When he sees kittens in any of his books, he "hugs" the picture (by laying his cheek on it).

-He has this touch and feel book with big pictures of animals in it that have fuzzy patches.  He especially likes to "hug" the picture of the bunny, and will lay his whole upper body on it if the book is on the ground.

-A couple of weeks ago I was working in the kitchen and he accidentally slammed a pot he was playing with on top of my bare foot.  I yelped in pain and then was crouched down holding my foot and saying "Ouch!  You really hurt Mommy!"  He stood in front of me looking all concerned, and then over and over he would put his hands on my shoulders and lean his forehead on my forehead, or give me a hug.  So cute!

-He thinks it's hilarious when Justin and I hug and/or kiss, and he always wants in on the action.  He'll walk over and reach to be picked up so he can get hugs too.  Either that, or he pushes Justin away so he gets Mommy to himself.  So funny!

-Everytime he is around a baby or toddler, he wants to hug and kiss him or her.

I love having such a sweet, gentle little boy.  I just to smush his little face.

Naps, Illness, Eating...

-Noah is still not 100%.  It's been a full six days, but I am fairly certain he is not back to normal.  He still has diarrhea, and his eating is still being affected.

-In the eating department: Noah is nursing a little more than he was when he was sick, but not completely back to his normal amount.  He is hardly eating any solids, though.  Today was the first day he wanted to eat anything during the daytime, so he ate most of a small orange.  But he would barely eat two bites of dinner.  And then at bedtime he barely nursed. 

-Ever since he's been sick, Noah has been nursing way shorter overnight.  He still wants to nurse at around the same time, but he only does for 4 or 5 minutes and then pops off still awake.  I put him back in his crib and he goes back to sleep, but it's weird.  And everytime he does this I get nervous, because when he had the flu, everytime he threw up it was during a nursing session.  He would pop off prematurely, look at me, and then vomit everything up.  So everytime he pops off, I'm terrified. 

-Noah is now down to 1 nap. He would have to sleep less than 10 hours at night to be able to fit in 2 short naps during the day. He just can't fall asleep before the 4 hour mark. Bummer.  He would have to get up at 6am in order to be able to fit in two naps and get to bed by 8:30pm.  I think he's actually getting more sleep with just the one nap than he does if I force him to have two, since having two naps really pushes his bedtime too late.

-This one nap thing is not very welcome in our life right now.  It makes it so that we can't go anywhere in the car in the late afternoon/early evening.  We live 25 minutes from the main nearby town, and even though Noah can't fit in two naps a day, by 4 or 4:30pm he is at the point where he will almost certainly fall asleep in the car.  This just happened on Sunday, and he ended up sleeping until 5:30pm.  So he didn't fall asleep for the night until sometime after 9pm. 

-I knew it wasn't going to happen, since Noah has never needed as much sleep as most other children his age, but I was hoping that he would have 2 naps throughout part of the summer, mostly because of the long daylight hours.  Bummer.

Stomach Flu: 3 Us: 0

Well, I got it.  I was up ALL night last night.  I got maybe an hour of sleep sometime past 6:30am.  That's it.  As soon as I went to bed at about 10:30pm, I knew I was in for it.  I spent all night either throwing up or lying perfectly still trying my hardest not to throw up.

I'm not feeling too too bad right now.  Maybe it's a mental thing.  Justin is in really rough shape, and Noah still has diarrhea really bad (I've changed his bum 6 times in the 2 hours he's been awake).  I can't afford to be sick, so I'm trying my hardest not to be.  I also don't want to lose my milk supply again, especially since Noah is still sick and doesn't have much appetite for anything, much less solid foods.

We are missing Easter, which really bums me out.  I was really looking forward to going to at least one Easter service this weekend, and I was also really looking forward to getting together with my siblings and parents.  I'm very disappointed :(


(And seriously, I never get the stomach flu.  I think I had it ONCE between the ages of 10 and 25.  But I've had it 3 TIMES since December!  What the heck!?)

The House of Doom

So, Noah is not better.  He has not thrown up since 4:30am Friday morning (about 24 hours after the first time he threw up), but he had diarrhea about every 15 minutes all day today.  It was brutal.

And now, I am this close to living my nightmare. Justin is sooo sick, throwing up and having it come out the other end. I have a mild case of the runs, but I am not throwing up. I don't feel nauseous (yet?) but my stomach feels weird. I don't know if it feels weird because I am hungry (I am afraid to eat much) or because I am going to start throwing up later tonight.


Seriously, I cannot handle having the flu again. And I CANNOT handle me having the flu and Justin having the flu at the same time. Especially since our kid has diarrhea every 15 minutes. Like, what the heck are we supposed to do?!?!?!

Justin is staying downstairs tonight so he can use the couch and the downstairs bed and the downstairs bathroom. I have been trying to take care of him but also trying to keep my distance. There was so much I had to do for him. Clean towels, clean clothes, a supply of water and straws and toothpaste, set up nightlights so he can see in the dark, change the sheets on the upstairs spare bed, clean his bathroom, and put a load of laundry in the washer. I am hoping it makes it into the dryer before I go to bed.

Beyond that I have had to set things up to run smoothly tonight if Noah is throwing up again.  Just because he hasn't thrown up for 19 hours doesn't mean he won't again.  He was barf-free for 15 hours before the last time he threw up, so he could very well get going on that again. I have to have clothes for him and myself and blankets and sleepsacks all set up within arm's reach.

Plus I had to set things up to run smoothly for myself in case I end up throwing up tonight. Because there will be no one to take care of me or help me, and I will have to take care of myself and Noah.

I can handle having a sick baby and a sick husband.  But both of the adults in this house can't be sick with the stomach flu at the same time.  Seriously, what are we supposed to do with the baby?  Who is also sick?  And besides that, I just can't handle having the stomach flu again.  I can't handle throwing up.

This is seriously my nightmare. And I don't feel well. I don't know if it's because I'm getting sick or because I'm hungry and REALLY REALLY NERVOUS. But seriously, I am terrified, and I feel so so so alone.
 
 
Seriously, if anyone has any advice about how to handle a sick baby when both you and your spouse are sick, send it my way!