B-F-Freakin-P

I'M PREGNANT

I found out this morning. Yesterday I was having these strange cramps in my uterus, unlike anything I've had before (I still have them actually... they're like stomach cramps, but in the uterus. Nothing like menstrual cramps). And my temp was 99.0. I've also had quite a symptom-free 2WW, which I don't normally have. So I thought just maybe this cycle finally worked. But I didn't want to test because I was too afraid.

I woke up this morning looking for spotting. I am like clockwork when it comes to that. But there was nothing. So I eventually used an OPK so that I wouldn't be too disappointed if it was negative (there's wiggle room when it's an OPK!). It was very positive. I was freaking out and shaking, I was so excited.

So I decided to go against all my irrational fears and POAS. A real stick. I did, and almost immediately it was positive.

After jumping up and down and freaking out, Justin and I showered as fast as we could to drive the hour to the RE's before he closes at 10:30am. I got a beta done and got the results back this afternoon: 88.7. I'm only 12DPO, though, so I was expecting it to be right around there. I go back on Tuesday for another beta. My ultrasound will be in 3 or 4 weeks.

I am so excited. I never thought this would happen for us.

Things are Still Hot!

This morning I took my temperature, expecting to see that it had fallen by about .2 degrees. Usually at this time that starts happening. I don't know why I even took my temp, because I was obviously setting myself up for huge disappointment.

However, instead of going down it went up about .4 degrees. It's sitting at 99.0. And I was in a chilly bedroom.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean anything. But it did let me hold on to my hope for another day. I am dying to POAS, but there is no way I'm using one of those devil sticks! I won't even use an OPK to see if the line is dark. I don't want to be disappointed.

I was planning on not going to church tomorrow morning if I started spotting (because last time I kept crying during the service). But now I think we might just sleep in anyway. Because if I wake up for church and find out I'm spotting, we're not going to be able to fall back asleep and I'll be miserable earlier than I have to be.

I might just dehydrate myself so I can avoid the bathroom tomorrow.

Taken Aback

I just called my RE's office to find out what my medications will be for my next cycle. There is no change, which I think it ridiculous, seeing as I didn't respond very well this past cycle. But what the RE did suggest is that I try IVF.

I was really taken aback by this. Because at my clinic people do IUI for forever. My RE isn't one of those RE's who rushes people into IVF. At any given time it's what 80% of the patients are doing. I have a friend whose husband has almost no sperm. Literally. Their first IUI they got 50,000 sperm. Their 2nd IUI they got like 300,000. And the RE didn't come right out and suggest to THEM that they do IVF right away (which they totally should, IUI is a complete waste of time for people with sperm like that. In fact, IVF might not even work for him because I'm betting there are chromosomal issues).

I am really disappointed. I mean, I'm not doing IVF right away. We're going to do at least 2 or 3 more IUIs with the combination of sperm. But now I'm really afraid that that will never work for us. If my "Try-IUI-Forever" RE is asking us if we want to do IVF, he must have a good reason.

I was really hoping that doing combination IUIs would be our answer. Now I just want to curl up and cry. We can't afford IVF. We don't just have that money lying around. We'd have to go into debt for it.

And now I'm wondering if we should have even bothered with this new path.

Catch-22

I basically have a week left before I find out if I'm pregnant or not. If I'm not, I'll start spotting next Sunday morning. And then I'll skip church, because 3 weeks ago when I woke up to spotting on Sunday I cried all through the church service. I won't be putting myself through that again.

So I have one more week of hope. Justin says he'll be shocked if this cycle doesn't work. I say I'll be shocked if it does.

At this point I don't have a feeling one way or another. I had some short lived uterine twinges today. Which probably mean absolutely nothing. And my boobs are starting to become a bit sore today, but that is exactly on schedule for me. They usually start to hurt at 5DPO, which is tomorrow morning at 10am.

I'm finding myself very impatient during this 2WW. I'm actually wondering if I might POAS this month just because I'm so impatient - and I NEVER POAS. I hate those devil sticks. Normally the first week isn't that difficult for me, because it's not like you can test and find out anyway during that week. But this month it is. Maybe it's because I'm not working right now. I'm at home all day, often alone because Justin is gone training so much. I'm trying to focus on other things, like my AQ course, suntanning on my back deck, working out, watching seasons of shows we've never seen before (for anyone who doesn't watch Friday Night Lights, I highly recommend it) and enjoying pretty much unlimited time for reading for pleasure. But I still feel like time is crawling by.

It's a catch-22, though. I want the next 8 or 9 days to speed by so that I can know if I'm pregnant or not and we can move on. But I also don't want time to pass because the faster time passes the faster my summer is over and the sooner I have to go back to work.

Isn't life always like that?

IUI #4

I had my 4th IUI today, the first one using a combination sample. We got 43 million sperm altogether, which I'm thrilled about! 18 million were from frozen (which is a really good recovery after the freezing and thawing... the sample started with about 180 million) and 25 million were fresh. Justin was thrilled.  So was I.

I had a conversation with the nurse doing the IUI about how my stupid follicles keep shrinking or disappearing. We agreed that I should stay on injections until I trigger. I didn't do that this cycle because last cycle I stopped after CD12 and had a pretty decent cycle. The cycle before that I went all the way to CD15 and had a totally crappy cycle. My body is so inconsistent.

We also think that I should just trigger on CD13, as long as I have some mature follicles. The 2 times that I went past CD13 I ended up losing follicles, so she doesn't think it's a good idea to try and wait and see.

Anyway, if this cycle doesn't work I don't know exactly what we'll be doing next cycle. I'd kind of like a medication change, but something tells me I'll still be on the same doses of everything. Part of me wants to go to 150mg of Clomid, but it's not good for the quality of your lining and my lining seems to be not such great quality even though it's very thick. I get a lot of clots during my period, which I shouldn't have.

I'm kind of wondering if I should push for Femara+Injectables rather than Femara+Clomid+Injectables. Right now I'm just taking the Femara on CD3. Maybe it would be better if I took it the whole cycle at a high dose, rather than taking the Clomid.

Another part of me is scared to change medications that drastically. What if I get no follicles?

Anyway, cross your fingers for me that I won't have to worry about it anymore this month because I'm pregnant. Then I can wait a year or so before thinking about it again!

Anticipation

Tomorrow morning is our IUI. This is our 6th cycle of treatment, our 4th IUI, and our 1st combination IUI. It seems to me that we should be getting pregnant, for pete's sake. I don't know if I think it'll happen this month. I mean, my body reacted pretty crummily to the drugs. And with follicles shrinking and whatnot, who knows what might have happened to my follicles that were mature on Sunday. Maybe they've disappeared too. I could ask for another ultrasound to check tomorrow morning, but I don't know if I want to do that. What if more bad things have happened in my ovaries? It'll ruin the whole day. Not to mention any hope I might have during the 2WW.

I'm really curious what kind of recovery we're going to get from the frozen sample. It might not be much. Hopefully the fresh sperm will make up the difference!

Speaking of Justin... he was saying the other day that he feels like it's going to happen soon. As in, before fall soon. He's never "felt" like it was going to happen before. He's only ever "hoped" that it would happen.

I don't know whether I should put any stock in his "feelings." As a general rule he's a lot more optimistic than I am. But we do have 3 IUIs to do before fall arrives, so who knows. Maybe that's enough time.

I hope it's enough time.

I Spoke Too Soon

Today I asked for another ultrasound when I was getting my blood taken.

Bad results.

On my left side I only have a 23mm, 20mm, 14mm, and 12mm. That's only 1mm of growth and 2mm of shrinkage.

On my right side I only have a 12mm, 10mm, and 10mm.

So I have 7 follicles, but only 2 of them are mature. They're having me trigger tonight if I didn't surge, because they're afraid that my mature follicles will start shrinking too.

I don't know if I should've kept doing the injections or not. I stopped at CD12. Maybe more would've helped. But then again, two cycles ago I did injections until CD15 and I still had shrinking and disappearing follicles.

This is so lame. How am I supposed to get pregnant this cycle? I didn't get pregnant last cycle when I had 3, probably 4 mature follicles. How am I supposed to get pregnant when I only have 2?

I want to quit. I'm so sick of this stupid game.

Happy Anniversary

Today is our wedding anniversary! The 4th of July:) I bought some lingerie as a surprise for my husband. Hopefully he doesn't read this before he sees it.

CD13 Ultrasound

My fears were put somewhat at ease today.

Not at first. At first I thought this cycle was going to be a bust. She was doing my right ovary, where I had a 13mm on Day 11. She could only measure a 12mm. (I swear I saw another follicle, over and over again, right under that 12mm. But she never measured it.) So it shrunk. I was like "Awesome. Shrinking follicles. Can't wait to see the other side."

Two days ago on my left side I had a 12, 13, and 16. Today I had a 12, 16, 19, and 23. So I have 3 mature follicles right now. I want to see how things go. Ideally, I'd like to hold out as long as possible. But in the past if I didn't trigger, I surged on CD15. I would prefer to trigger rather than surge, because then you know exactly when you're going to ovulate and it's easier to time the IUI.

As a sidenote: I find it strange that there's only one smallish follicle on my right side. I have been feeling my right ovary like crazy this month. And it's swollen; I can feel it when I press down. I wonder if I do have two follicles on that side and this ultrasound tech is just a tool.

CD 11 Ultrasound

I'm kind of disappointed with my ultrasound today. I'm CD11 and I have four follies at 12, 13, 13, and 16. I know, four follies is good. But last month on CD 12 (I skipped CD11) I had five follies at 13, 13, 14, 19, and 23. That seems like a big difference to me, especially considering I was on the same meds.

Last month: 13, 13, 14, 19, 23
This month: 12, 13, 13, 16

WTF? If anything I was expecting more follies, not less, because I'd been on DHEA for a whole month longer than last month. The only thing I can think of is that I wasn't being very strict about eating in The Zone this month. And since that really affects your insulin, and your insulin affects every single cell in your body... maybe that had something to do with it.

The nurse did say though that slow grown eggs are better than fast grown eggs. Hopefully by CD13 another follie or two will have popped up over 10mm, and the ones I have now will have grown nicely.

One of the reasons I'm concerned is that a couple of cycles ago I started out with 3 follies at 13, 14, and 17. It seemed promising, but they didn't really grow much. I ended up with a 23 and a 16. One disappeared, another shot up 10mm, and another one shrunk. I don't want this month to be a repeat of that month.