I'm in our staff meeting after school today and one of the teachers, L, isn't there. L hasn't been feeling so well lately, and she's married to our principal, L, so she totally gets special treatment.
Someone is taking prayer requests (we're a private Christian school) and L says, "Uh, yeah, pray for L............ she's pregnant."
My heart literally dropped into my feet. I couldn't feel my body or my face and I thought I was going to burst into tears. I couldn't even speak to fake a congratulations.
They JUST GOT MARRIED AT THE VERY END OF DECEMBER. And she's due at the end of November. Besides that, they're both 37+... not that there's anything wrong with that but SERIOUSLY?! They get pregnant right away, no problems whatsoever, and me and Justin start trying at 23 and 26 and we CAN'T?!
Last week I found out that another teacher's wife is pregnant again. Their first kid just turned one a month ago. She is also due at the end of November. Not to mention the fact that they got knocked up like 7 weeks before their wedding and SOMEHOW HE KEPT HIS JOB (even though it expressly states in our contract that we can't do that).
I seriously cannot handle this. It puts me into a horrible depression when I find out people are pregnant. It makes me wish I could just die. I know that sounds dramatic, but I seriously mean it. I don't want to keep waking up and fighting this battle every day. I don't want to keep yearning for a baby with every fibre of my being and not be able to make it a reality. I cannot keep finding out that people are pregnant. I can't handle it. Especially people who are rubbed in my face everyday.
I don't know how to deal with this.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Zombie Chickens
Lynn just gave me the Zombie Chicken Award.
"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…"
The name of this award makes me laugh. Thank you Lynn!
I want to nominate 5 other people, but I can't! Almost every blog I read has recently received the award. So I have two nominations:
1. Kitty - I met Kitty on iVillage. She struggled with infertility, but is almost halfway through her first pregnancy now. I use her as inspiration!
2. Susan - I met Susan on iVillage as well! She has gone through a lot in her infertility journey, and I admire her and her strength. But Susan, you need to blog more! I miss your updates - even though I know what's going on from the support group.
Zombie it up, girls!
"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…"
The name of this award makes me laugh. Thank you Lynn!
I want to nominate 5 other people, but I can't! Almost every blog I read has recently received the award. So I have two nominations:
1. Kitty - I met Kitty on iVillage. She struggled with infertility, but is almost halfway through her first pregnancy now. I use her as inspiration!
2. Susan - I met Susan on iVillage as well! She has gone through a lot in her infertility journey, and I admire her and her strength. But Susan, you need to blog more! I miss your updates - even though I know what's going on from the support group.
Zombie it up, girls!
Monday, April 27, 2009
BFN
Apparently my "BFN" dream was a premonition. My period arrived this morning, in all her crampy glory.
Another BFN :(
On to the next cycle.
Another BFN :(
On to the next cycle.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Obsessing at 14DPO
I'm 14DPO right now. I have no idea when my period is due. Monday or Tuesday, maybe? I am starting to have a really hard time sleeping because of all my symptoms (whether they're real pregnancy symptoms is still up for debate). My boobs are killing me, so as soon as I wake up to go to the bathroom at night it's all I can think about. I've been having some period-like cramping since Thursday, but it's not really getting any worse like it normally would the closer I get to my period. Also, I normally start spotting a few days before my period, and each day it gets a little darker and heavier until my period actually arrives. But that's not really happening this time. There's a slight pinky-brown tinge to my CM, but it's only visible if I "collect" it from my cervix and wipe it on toilet paper.
FINALLY, I've been taking OPKs occasionally, just to give me an unofficial idea of what an HPT might say (since OPKs detect HCG). Up until today they were negative (the test line was about 50% as dark as the control line). But today it was almost positive. I'd say the test line was 90-95% as dark as the control line. However, I do not take this as a definite sign, because I have a history of false positive OPKs because my LH is often high when it shouldn't be. That hasn't been the case during this cycle though. It seemed to have been controlled by the ovarian stimulation meds I was on.
I didn't go for a beta today, even though it was my day to go. I just don't want to. I don't want to spend the money on gas to drive two hours and then get a phone call that I'm not pregnant. I also still don't want to POAS (at least, an HPT stick) because I don't want my hope to be taken away yet.
It's getting a bit ridiculous though, because the not knowing is interfering with my sleep. But I just don't want to have that feeling of devastation before I have to.
I don't even know if I will POAS if my period never shows. I have this irrational fear that I am cursed to never see a second line on an HPT. So, ridiculous as it is, I don't want to take an HPT because I'm afraid that even if I am pregnant, POAS will make me not pregnant!
I desperately need a distraction! I actually had a nightmare where the letters "BFN" were everywhere and everybody kept yelling at me "It's BFN! It's BFN!" Even my little grade 3 students were sitting in this pool next to the onramp to the highway that I take to get to my RE's office (I never said this dream made sense), and the letters "BFN" were written all around this pool, and they were yelling at me "It's BFN!"
I obviously need to get a life. I'm dreaming about infertility acronyms.
FINALLY, I've been taking OPKs occasionally, just to give me an unofficial idea of what an HPT might say (since OPKs detect HCG). Up until today they were negative (the test line was about 50% as dark as the control line). But today it was almost positive. I'd say the test line was 90-95% as dark as the control line. However, I do not take this as a definite sign, because I have a history of false positive OPKs because my LH is often high when it shouldn't be. That hasn't been the case during this cycle though. It seemed to have been controlled by the ovarian stimulation meds I was on.
I didn't go for a beta today, even though it was my day to go. I just don't want to. I don't want to spend the money on gas to drive two hours and then get a phone call that I'm not pregnant. I also still don't want to POAS (at least, an HPT stick) because I don't want my hope to be taken away yet.
It's getting a bit ridiculous though, because the not knowing is interfering with my sleep. But I just don't want to have that feeling of devastation before I have to.
I don't even know if I will POAS if my period never shows. I have this irrational fear that I am cursed to never see a second line on an HPT. So, ridiculous as it is, I don't want to take an HPT because I'm afraid that even if I am pregnant, POAS will make me not pregnant!
I desperately need a distraction! I actually had a nightmare where the letters "BFN" were everywhere and everybody kept yelling at me "It's BFN! It's BFN!" Even my little grade 3 students were sitting in this pool next to the onramp to the highway that I take to get to my RE's office (I never said this dream made sense), and the letters "BFN" were written all around this pool, and they were yelling at me "It's BFN!"
I obviously need to get a life. I'm dreaming about infertility acronyms.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
New Plan
I don't have my period yet, but I've been feeling it coming on since yesterday. I'm still not testing, and I doubt I'll go for a beta tomorrow (even if I don't have my period yet), because I don't want to be disappointed before I even get my period and can move on to a new cycle.
I guess you could say that it's not over yet, despite the fact that I'm cramping and spotting (albiet very lightly). But I still called my RE's office to get my plan for next cycle. After each IUI the RE reviews the cycle and writes instructions for what to do next cycle. I was pretty sure what we were going to do, because my RN and I discussed it several times. My last cycle didn't go so well. I should have matured 3-5 eggs, but I only matured 1. Obviously I needed an increase in medication.
Here's what I did last cycle:
7.5 mg of Femara on CD 3
50 mg of Clomid on CD 3-7
75IU of Bravelle alternate day injections on CD 6, 8, 10
This cycle I am going to take:
100 mg of Clomid on CD 3-7
75IU of Bravelle daily injections from CD 6-10
The increased dose of Clomiphene is intended to recruit more follicles. The 50 mg only recruited one follicle, so hopefully 100 mg will recruit several. The daily injections from CD 6-10 will provide a sustained stimulation; basically, the extra FSH will nurture the follicles that the Clomid recruited.
Apparently I'm not taking Femara this cycle. That concerns me a little bit. The Femara is supposed to help sensitize your body to the Clomid. I'm not convinced this medication protocol is going to mature 3-5 eggs, but I'm trying to stay positive that it will at least give me 2. You can bet that I will give myself extra injections if my Day 11 ultrasound sucks. Seemed to work this past cycle!
My ovaries better kick into gear. And Justin's sperm better get back to normal (well, back to normal for him). He did an SA on Thursday. I'm sure we'll get the results of that at the beginning of the week. He has two more repeats of the SA. I think he said he was going to do them weekly. I don't know what we'll do if my ovaries don't respond well (again) and if his sperm count remains in the toilet. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
In any case, I have a review appointment with my RE on May 13. If Justin's sperm count remains lower than low, we'll see what he says about our chance of success with IUI versus IVF. Like I blogged about earlier, if we're going to do IVF I want to do it in the summer. We're off work - kind of (Justin will be training athletes frequently, taking a course to move him up the pay grid, and hopefully we'll be marking summer school assignments to make some extra money). Or at least "work" becomes a lot more flexible. I especially would want to get my medications for it before my current drug plan runs out at the end of July.
I might be putting the cart before the horse. But people have been telling me that since last summer when I was saying that I just knew we had fertility problems. And whaddayaknow. I was right.
I guess you could say that it's not over yet, despite the fact that I'm cramping and spotting (albiet very lightly). But I still called my RE's office to get my plan for next cycle. After each IUI the RE reviews the cycle and writes instructions for what to do next cycle. I was pretty sure what we were going to do, because my RN and I discussed it several times. My last cycle didn't go so well. I should have matured 3-5 eggs, but I only matured 1. Obviously I needed an increase in medication.
Here's what I did last cycle:
7.5 mg of Femara on CD 3
50 mg of Clomid on CD 3-7
75IU of Bravelle alternate day injections on CD 6, 8, 10
This cycle I am going to take:
100 mg of Clomid on CD 3-7
75IU of Bravelle daily injections from CD 6-10
The increased dose of Clomiphene is intended to recruit more follicles. The 50 mg only recruited one follicle, so hopefully 100 mg will recruit several. The daily injections from CD 6-10 will provide a sustained stimulation; basically, the extra FSH will nurture the follicles that the Clomid recruited.
Apparently I'm not taking Femara this cycle. That concerns me a little bit. The Femara is supposed to help sensitize your body to the Clomid. I'm not convinced this medication protocol is going to mature 3-5 eggs, but I'm trying to stay positive that it will at least give me 2. You can bet that I will give myself extra injections if my Day 11 ultrasound sucks. Seemed to work this past cycle!
My ovaries better kick into gear. And Justin's sperm better get back to normal (well, back to normal for him). He did an SA on Thursday. I'm sure we'll get the results of that at the beginning of the week. He has two more repeats of the SA. I think he said he was going to do them weekly. I don't know what we'll do if my ovaries don't respond well (again) and if his sperm count remains in the toilet. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
In any case, I have a review appointment with my RE on May 13. If Justin's sperm count remains lower than low, we'll see what he says about our chance of success with IUI versus IVF. Like I blogged about earlier, if we're going to do IVF I want to do it in the summer. We're off work - kind of (Justin will be training athletes frequently, taking a course to move him up the pay grid, and hopefully we'll be marking summer school assignments to make some extra money). Or at least "work" becomes a lot more flexible. I especially would want to get my medications for it before my current drug plan runs out at the end of July.
I might be putting the cart before the horse. But people have been telling me that since last summer when I was saying that I just knew we had fertility problems. And whaddayaknow. I was right.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Caution: Possible Boredom Ahead (unless you're a geek like me)
Justin and I... okay who am I kidding, I decided to turn our Jeep loan that we have with Chrysler Financial into a line of credit at our credit union. We got a $25,000 line of credit to pay off the approximately $22,500 that we had left on our Jeep loan.
Basically, my plan when going in search of a new loan for the car was a lower interest rate that would either lower our payments or pay off the Jeep faster. Prime has plummetted since we bought the Jeep in November of 2007 (or rather, since Justin bought the Jeep for $5000 more than we had agreed upon without consulting with me... yeah that was a great day).
Our interest rate with Chrysler was 7.79, and now our rate is 5.25. It's not the kind of drop that we would majorly notice because the loan is so "small" (compared to our mortgage, $22,500 is nothing). Basically by the time we paid off the Jeep we would have saved around $1000 in interest. I was not overly impressed with what I was being offered.
At first.
Then I realized that this $25,000 is always available to us. Visions of IVF fairies began dancing in my head.
I also realized that with an LOC, we can have every penny that we have at our disposal applied to the LOC, and just pay our bills when we need to. This would automatically take the money for the bills out of the LOC. What that translates to is lower interest costs, because you only pay interest per dollar per day.
When we had the loan at Chrysler Financial I wasn't comfortable paying extra or putting our savings on the loan because I knew that money wouldn't be available to us if we found that we really needed it (ie. if I found myself unemployed... which I will in 3 months). Therefore there was no way the loan was going to be paid off before the 5 year ammortization period was up. I was just too afraid of getting rid of all our savings. I was too afraid we would find ourselves in a situation where we needed that money, and it would be gone.
However, because it's a line of credit, if we find either the next day or 25 years from now that we need the money we had previously applied on the loan, it is always available to us.
Here's the clincher though: all we have to pay on the LOC each month is the interest. Since I immediately transferred our $8500 savings onto it, we're only using $14,000 (keep in mind, our savings were quite small because we have paid off about $50,000 of loans in the past 18 months - not including our mortgage or down payment). That translates to about $56 a month in interest. Once we get our $5000 in taxes back and put that on the LOC, it will be $36 a month.
I am a complete freak about debt, so I will put every penny possible on the LOC and not just take advantage of it. But I do love the fact that our necessary payment each month is so low.
I'm not going to pretend that that entertained anybody but me. If you've actually made it to this point, I apologize if I've bored you. I'm a total financial nerd. Budgetting and paying off debt really excites me.
Basically, my plan when going in search of a new loan for the car was a lower interest rate that would either lower our payments or pay off the Jeep faster. Prime has plummetted since we bought the Jeep in November of 2007 (or rather, since Justin bought the Jeep for $5000 more than we had agreed upon without consulting with me... yeah that was a great day).
Our interest rate with Chrysler was 7.79, and now our rate is 5.25. It's not the kind of drop that we would majorly notice because the loan is so "small" (compared to our mortgage, $22,500 is nothing). Basically by the time we paid off the Jeep we would have saved around $1000 in interest. I was not overly impressed with what I was being offered.
At first.
Then I realized that this $25,000 is always available to us. Visions of IVF fairies began dancing in my head.
I also realized that with an LOC, we can have every penny that we have at our disposal applied to the LOC, and just pay our bills when we need to. This would automatically take the money for the bills out of the LOC. What that translates to is lower interest costs, because you only pay interest per dollar per day.
When we had the loan at Chrysler Financial I wasn't comfortable paying extra or putting our savings on the loan because I knew that money wouldn't be available to us if we found that we really needed it (ie. if I found myself unemployed... which I will in 3 months). Therefore there was no way the loan was going to be paid off before the 5 year ammortization period was up. I was just too afraid of getting rid of all our savings. I was too afraid we would find ourselves in a situation where we needed that money, and it would be gone.
However, because it's a line of credit, if we find either the next day or 25 years from now that we need the money we had previously applied on the loan, it is always available to us.
Here's the clincher though: all we have to pay on the LOC each month is the interest. Since I immediately transferred our $8500 savings onto it, we're only using $14,000 (keep in mind, our savings were quite small because we have paid off about $50,000 of loans in the past 18 months - not including our mortgage or down payment). That translates to about $56 a month in interest. Once we get our $5000 in taxes back and put that on the LOC, it will be $36 a month.
I am a complete freak about debt, so I will put every penny possible on the LOC and not just take advantage of it. But I do love the fact that our necessary payment each month is so low.
I'm not going to pretend that that entertained anybody but me. If you've actually made it to this point, I apologize if I've bored you. I'm a total financial nerd. Budgetting and paying off debt really excites me.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Know of Any Good Holes I Can Crawl Into?
I just found out that the wife of the grade 8 teacher is due at the end of November.
I just want to cry. It's not fair. First of all, they already have a really cute daughter who just turned 1 last month. So she'll only be 1 year and 8 months old when her sibling is born.
Furthermore, they got knocked up 7 weeks before their wedding. We work at a Christian School. It's in our CONTRACT that we aren't allowed to have sex before marriage. Somehow he didn't get fired. How that is is beyond me.
It's just not fair. Why are they so freakin fertile??
I really wish I could go home and crawl into bed.
I just want to cry. It's not fair. First of all, they already have a really cute daughter who just turned 1 last month. So she'll only be 1 year and 8 months old when her sibling is born.
Furthermore, they got knocked up 7 weeks before their wedding. We work at a Christian School. It's in our CONTRACT that we aren't allowed to have sex before marriage. Somehow he didn't get fired. How that is is beyond me.
It's just not fair. Why are they so freakin fertile??
I really wish I could go home and crawl into bed.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
To Bother or Not to Bother with a Beta?
It's Tuesday, and I'm 9DPO right now. I am trying to decide whether to even bother getting a beta or not. I can go for one on Sunday, which is 14DPO. Technically, I could go for one earlier but I'm definitely not interested in doing that.
I don't really want to get a pregnancy test done at all. I don't want to find out that I'm not pregnant until I have my period and am actually moving on to the next cycle. The problem is that I have no idea how long my luteal phase is, so I don't know when my period is due. If I have a perfect 14 day luteal phase (yeah right, like anything goes perfectly with me) then I would get my period this coming Monday at 15DPO.
Should I bother driving an hour to get a beta done, getting my hopes up in the process? Or should I just wait it out until Monday or Tuesday and see if I get my period?
The problem is if I am pregnant, I would have to get a beta done in the middle of the week if I didn't do it on Sunday. Which means a day of getting up at 4:30 am to drive and get this test done, and then a day at work worrying and wondering until I get the phone call.
If I'm not pregnant, I'm finding out before I get my period and before I move on to the next cycle. I don't want to do that. However, if I get my period it will probably be on Monday at the latest. So I wouldn't know for that long before I was able to mentally think about the next round of treatment.
If I did go on Sunday, I could personally speak to a staff member. It is impossible for me to ever get ahold of anyone at that clinic. I always get the answering machine. Sure, they call back the same day. But hello, I have a job. I'm a teacher. I can't be leaving my classroom because my doctor's office is calling me. Not to mention the rumors that could start spreading.
I could find out what my medication protocol will be for next cycle, without it being a message that's left on my answering machine. I could get my prescription in person, rather than have them fax it to my drug store.
I don't know if that's a good enough reason to go through the hour long drive and the early disappointment, though.
By the way, I'm still pretending that I'm pregnant. I have lots of IPS. I've had mild cramping almost every day, I'm tired, I'm having headaches for no reason, my boobs are getting progressively more sore (but not so much sore to touch, just sore sitting there. Except my nipples. They're a bit tender to the touch). And I had a pregnancy dream last night. All good reasons to trick myself into thinking that I'm pregnant so I don't get depressed!
I don't really want to get a pregnancy test done at all. I don't want to find out that I'm not pregnant until I have my period and am actually moving on to the next cycle. The problem is that I have no idea how long my luteal phase is, so I don't know when my period is due. If I have a perfect 14 day luteal phase (yeah right, like anything goes perfectly with me) then I would get my period this coming Monday at 15DPO.
Should I bother driving an hour to get a beta done, getting my hopes up in the process? Or should I just wait it out until Monday or Tuesday and see if I get my period?
The problem is if I am pregnant, I would have to get a beta done in the middle of the week if I didn't do it on Sunday. Which means a day of getting up at 4:30 am to drive and get this test done, and then a day at work worrying and wondering until I get the phone call.
If I'm not pregnant, I'm finding out before I get my period and before I move on to the next cycle. I don't want to do that. However, if I get my period it will probably be on Monday at the latest. So I wouldn't know for that long before I was able to mentally think about the next round of treatment.
If I did go on Sunday, I could personally speak to a staff member. It is impossible for me to ever get ahold of anyone at that clinic. I always get the answering machine. Sure, they call back the same day. But hello, I have a job. I'm a teacher. I can't be leaving my classroom because my doctor's office is calling me. Not to mention the rumors that could start spreading.
I could find out what my medication protocol will be for next cycle, without it being a message that's left on my answering machine. I could get my prescription in person, rather than have them fax it to my drug store.
I don't know if that's a good enough reason to go through the hour long drive and the early disappointment, though.
By the way, I'm still pretending that I'm pregnant. I have lots of IPS. I've had mild cramping almost every day, I'm tired, I'm having headaches for no reason, my boobs are getting progressively more sore (but not so much sore to touch, just sore sitting there. Except my nipples. They're a bit tender to the touch). And I had a pregnancy dream last night. All good reasons to trick myself into thinking that I'm pregnant so I don't get depressed!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
IUI or IVF
I am considering moving on to IVF if this cycle doesn't work. We will definitely do another cycle or two of IUI, but I am seriously considering moving on to IVF.
We shouldn't need IVF. IUI should work for us. In theory. But here are my reasons for considering the move up.
1) I'm not responding very well to the medications I'm on.
2) Justin's sperm count dropped dramatically for our last IUI. What if it doesn't go back up again?
3) My last two cycles my Day 3 FSH was 7 and 7.6 That might be an okay number, but for a 24 year old it kind of sucks. (Combine that with the fact that my ovaries don't seem to be responding to stimulation very well. I should have matured 3-5 follicles this past cycle, but my ovaries only managed to spit out one.) What if my FSH continues to rise and I'm wasting valuable time by fooling around with IUI?
4) Our chances of getting pregnant are a lot higher with IVF than with IUI. Considering my age, probably somewhere in the 40-50% range (according to my RN).
5) We could probably get some embies in the freezer to use in the future, so our future costs would be dramatically reduced. And we wouldn't need to worry much about my FSH possibly rising because we would already have the embryos.
6) What if Justin's sperm or my eggs just can't get the job done? We could do IUI until the cows come home and never get pregnant, but not know why.
7) Because I'm getting laid off, my drug plan runs out at the end of July. If we put the IVF drugs on my plan before that happened, that would save all of the money for fertility drugs that is on the plan I have through Justin. We only have an $18 000 lifetime maximum on that plan (and a $15 000 maximum on my current plan). We would like to have several children. We could easily use that $18 000 just with IUI, since my ovaries are friggin lazy.
So those are my reasons for considering it. I was completely against it before, just because of the cost. But as more and more things go wrong in our infertility war (that's right, I said war), I'm starting to be swayed.
My only argument against IVF is the cost. If we wanted to do IVF with ICSI (which I'm pretty sure we would do... why waste all that money and risk your eggs not being fertilized?) the base cost is $5500. Then freezing embryos is $850 (that includes the first year of storage), plus $200 per year for storage after the initial year.
Any cycles done with frozen embryos are only $1000 dollars. Furthermore, the frozen embryos have an 80-90% chance of surviving the freezing and thawing.
I don't know... we'll see how this cycle plays out and how the next cycle goes. Justin has 3 SA requisitons so we'll know if his count is improving before our next IUI. I should also be going on higher doses of my medications for the next cycle. We'll see how the increased dosages help.
And who knows - maybe I'll get pregnant this month. I am 7DPO right now. Another week to go!
We shouldn't need IVF. IUI should work for us. In theory. But here are my reasons for considering the move up.
1) I'm not responding very well to the medications I'm on.
2) Justin's sperm count dropped dramatically for our last IUI. What if it doesn't go back up again?
3) My last two cycles my Day 3 FSH was 7 and 7.6 That might be an okay number, but for a 24 year old it kind of sucks. (Combine that with the fact that my ovaries don't seem to be responding to stimulation very well. I should have matured 3-5 follicles this past cycle, but my ovaries only managed to spit out one.) What if my FSH continues to rise and I'm wasting valuable time by fooling around with IUI?
4) Our chances of getting pregnant are a lot higher with IVF than with IUI. Considering my age, probably somewhere in the 40-50% range (according to my RN).
5) We could probably get some embies in the freezer to use in the future, so our future costs would be dramatically reduced. And we wouldn't need to worry much about my FSH possibly rising because we would already have the embryos.
6) What if Justin's sperm or my eggs just can't get the job done? We could do IUI until the cows come home and never get pregnant, but not know why.
7) Because I'm getting laid off, my drug plan runs out at the end of July. If we put the IVF drugs on my plan before that happened, that would save all of the money for fertility drugs that is on the plan I have through Justin. We only have an $18 000 lifetime maximum on that plan (and a $15 000 maximum on my current plan). We would like to have several children. We could easily use that $18 000 just with IUI, since my ovaries are friggin lazy.
So those are my reasons for considering it. I was completely against it before, just because of the cost. But as more and more things go wrong in our infertility war (that's right, I said war), I'm starting to be swayed.
My only argument against IVF is the cost. If we wanted to do IVF with ICSI (which I'm pretty sure we would do... why waste all that money and risk your eggs not being fertilized?) the base cost is $5500. Then freezing embryos is $850 (that includes the first year of storage), plus $200 per year for storage after the initial year.
Any cycles done with frozen embryos are only $1000 dollars. Furthermore, the frozen embryos have an 80-90% chance of surviving the freezing and thawing.
I don't know... we'll see how this cycle plays out and how the next cycle goes. Justin has 3 SA requisitons so we'll know if his count is improving before our next IUI. I should also be going on higher doses of my medications for the next cycle. We'll see how the increased dosages help.
And who knows - maybe I'll get pregnant this month. I am 7DPO right now. Another week to go!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
My Husband
I love my husband.
I always heard that you love your spouse more and more as time goes on. More than the day that you married. I just never knew it was so true. I love Justin a thousand times more now than I did when we got married. And I loved him a LOT when we got married.
Maybe it's everything that we've gone through since then:
Trying to have a baby unsuccessfully.
Finding out about his infertility (which was extremely hard on me and I wasn't always so nice to him when I was in the depths of my pain).
Finding out about my own infertility (which was something of a relief, because now it was both of our "fault".)
Finding out that I'm losing my job for the next school year because my school is going into redundancy. This is putting us in a very difficult financial position. I can't even get a job anywhere else because the board has implemented a hiring freeze, even to the supply list.
Then finding out that Justin is one of 3 surplus teachers at his school and will be moved to a different school (unless 2 teachers leave his current school). That was another big blow to us because we moved to our little out-of-the-way town so that he would be living in the same rural town as the high school he teaches at. Now we might be living out here for no reason, and it's not like we'd be able to sell our house in this market.
There is more, but really, the things I've just listed are more than any couple should have to go through in their first year of marriage.
I look at the way he has handled everything and stood by me, even in the moments that I was a complete jerk, and I feel like he is such a better person than I am. He makes me want to be a better person. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. I want to be more like my husband. Despite this, he seems to think that I am the better person.
I just don't get it. But I know I couldn't live without him.
I always heard that you love your spouse more and more as time goes on. More than the day that you married. I just never knew it was so true. I love Justin a thousand times more now than I did when we got married. And I loved him a LOT when we got married.
Maybe it's everything that we've gone through since then:
Trying to have a baby unsuccessfully.
Finding out about his infertility (which was extremely hard on me and I wasn't always so nice to him when I was in the depths of my pain).
Finding out about my own infertility (which was something of a relief, because now it was both of our "fault".)
Finding out that I'm losing my job for the next school year because my school is going into redundancy. This is putting us in a very difficult financial position. I can't even get a job anywhere else because the board has implemented a hiring freeze, even to the supply list.
Then finding out that Justin is one of 3 surplus teachers at his school and will be moved to a different school (unless 2 teachers leave his current school). That was another big blow to us because we moved to our little out-of-the-way town so that he would be living in the same rural town as the high school he teaches at. Now we might be living out here for no reason, and it's not like we'd be able to sell our house in this market.
There is more, but really, the things I've just listed are more than any couple should have to go through in their first year of marriage.
I look at the way he has handled everything and stood by me, even in the moments that I was a complete jerk, and I feel like he is such a better person than I am. He makes me want to be a better person. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. I want to be more like my husband. Despite this, he seems to think that I am the better person.
I just don't get it. But I know I couldn't live without him.
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